Dear,
It's been a long time. I've neglected and postponed and forgot about everything i promised I would write. I told myself to not go there, anytime I feel like the word vomit would come out of my mouth,
Don't
Go
There.
I promised myself to not write or think about anything bad when I'm on vacation. It was time for happy thoughts, with sun and sand and coconut water and fishes and boat rides and happiness. But no. of course something has to happen.
I dont think im going to forget about this in some time. i dont think its going to change anytime soon.
I was being brave, being courageous and confident and loving and happy and then she screamed for me to
cover
it
up.
nobody wants to see your fat hands with the excessively big arm and your folds and your fat belly and your big thighs and your stretch marks
even though im proud of my body
ive been through so many words so many insults so many shame so many stares and chiding and thinly veiled insults and crass words in my face and behind me and in my head its all saying the same thing
your body is not worth looking at, how could anyone love it? and if i dont have my body i have nothing else. i dont have my nail art skills i dont have my compassion i dont have any knowledge or anything worth except my body because how can someone love me if they dont love my body
i see girls and boys and kids and old people on instagram being confident brave FABULOUS. nobody ever says that about me except when i pose and tuck in and push in and press that screen drag it slowly so no one would notice the difference with my actual body because god forbids my tummy have rolls and my arms look like a bodyguards and my shoulder look like a swimmers in my social media.
and the worst part is, theyre the ones who bring me into this world. theyre the ones who are supposed to love me for who i am for me for myself for my body for my brain for my skills for my love for the things i do and the things i dont
or perhaps i should lower my standards. even my parents keep telling me to change to evolve to be something else. and today i noticed it. i change the way i talk the way i style my hair the way i talk, i dont remember talking like myself because i have to hide and cower and run away, but i cant run.
my dad dont even take the time in his day to ask me how im doing how my college is doing how my nail art is doing am i even good enough in my nail art am i earning the right amount of money am i overcharging or undercharging how about my makeup skill do i want to be a makeup artist a professional nail artist a blogger a vlogger a businesswoman. nobody asks so i guess thats why i dont think i will ever be enough to be anything worth someone's side glance.
but for now i have to focus on how to get these eyes to depuff asap.