What is it with your aversion to calling my name? To make it easy when you leave?
- So I can become another dark smudge in your memory?
30 12 2016
I’m trying not to read into anything
I’m trying to just let it flow
I’m trying not to forget the disappointment
I’m trying to protect myself
So don’t be shocked when I close up
The way a clam would whenever a hand gets too close
I’m trying to just let it flow
I’m trying not to forget the disappointment
I’m trying to protect myself
So don’t be shocked when I close up
The way a clam would whenever a hand gets too close
29 12 2016
[02:50]
I caved in
I gave up the control
And I fall right back into you
With less expectations, I hope.
I caved in
I gave up the control
And I fall right back into you
With less expectations, I hope.
29 12 2016
I wish you took something away from me
I wish you stole a piece of me
to justify the sadness I feel.
Because above all
I still wish you’d say hello
And look for me somehow
To remind me that you haven’t forgotten about me
the way I’ll never forget you.
And the worst part is
I thought I was finally good enough
I thought I was enough for someone else
When my family don’t even think I’m enough
But I was dreaming, wasn’t I?
Because we never even sat down and talk
All we did was say hi and goodbye, all in one day
We never even met after that
Or we were supposed to, but you bailed.
And I’m partly grateful that we never see each other again
Because parting ways after that
Would hurt more than it’s hurting now
Wouldn’t it?
I wish you stole a piece of me
to justify the sadness I feel.
Because above all
I still wish you’d say hello
And look for me somehow
To remind me that you haven’t forgotten about me
the way I’ll never forget you.
And the worst part is
I thought I was finally good enough
I thought I was enough for someone else
When my family don’t even think I’m enough
But I was dreaming, wasn’t I?
Because we never even sat down and talk
All we did was say hi and goodbye, all in one day
We never even met after that
Or we were supposed to, but you bailed.
And I’m partly grateful that we never see each other again
Because parting ways after that
Would hurt more than it’s hurting now
Wouldn’t it?
29 12 2016
“This isn’t supposed to end like this,” she whispered.
“We’re not supposed to end like this,” she said as tears roll down her cheeks.
And yet, silence greets her, whisking her away to nothingness as her dream crashes and her reality sinks in.
28 12 2016
I deleted his contacts 2 days ago. It was so I can stop lurking; so I can no longer check to see if he’s online; what time he was last seen. I kept checking his social medias, to see if he’s out and about. But he’s nowhere to be seen. He posted 2 photos some days ago; and it made me sad. In one, he was sitting, showing off new money, and behind him is a calendar made of post-its. I saw it and immediately teared up; I have a gut feeling that I didn’t make it to that calendar. That it’s the only possibility that he could forget me that day. Oh, 19. The day will forever etched as a sad day. I swore to forget him, to scream out ‘fuck you’ off the top of buildings, so the world knows that I am no longer in his captive. And yet I dreamed of him this morning. In my dream I was doing something with some people and then he arrived and sat somewhere else. When it was time to go home, I ran after him and asked him if he can talk to me for a sec. He came after me and I asked him what’s up. I asked about work and he explained to me while walking through a market. The dream ended before I ever got the chance to say anything I meant to say. And it felt a lot like reality.
29 12 2016 update: i added him again.
29 12 2016 update: i added him again.
24 12 2016
I need to start accepting that it’s not my fault. Sometimes things are just not meant to be. And it’s okay.
- It’s been a month and you still haven’t said anything
- It’s been a month and you still haven’t said anything
23 12 2016
I sent you an email.
Unlike texts; I have no idea whether you’ve opened it or not.
And it’s killing me, the suspense of waiting.
Waiting for something that may never come.
Unlike texts; I have no idea whether you’ve opened it or not.
And it’s killing me, the suspense of waiting.
Waiting for something that may never come.
The rejection is loud and clear
And I hate you.
Why did you even flirt with me?
What am I? A toy?
A fun little experiment that you can just throw away at whim?
A nice break from all your routine?
And I hate you.
Why did you even flirt with me?
What am I? A toy?
A fun little experiment that you can just throw away at whim?
A nice break from all your routine?
Whatever I may be; you’re not going to have me again.
Unless you prove yourself.
Unless you prove yourself.
15 12 2016
I’ve realized that I’m probably never going to forget you – I’ll keep on remembering for years to come, I’ll keep obsessing until I found the courage to let go, to remove all evidences that I thought I was enough for someone else. I’ll keep tabs on you, though. I’ll be checking to see if you feel sad the way I’m sad – or if you feel nothing at all.
And I’ll stop trying. I’ll stop going someplace and attending some events in the hopes I’ll see you. Because if fate is set in stone – we’ll see each other again. Whether it’ll be a forced smile and an awkward wave across hundreds of people, or a genuine laugh over a meal. I secretly hope for the latter – I’ve been through the former and it always brings tears to my eyes.
Oh, how I secretly wish that you treated me badly. Or done something that makes it perfectly okay for me to decide to move on. Because this? This is stupid.
And I’ll stop trying. I’ll stop going someplace and attending some events in the hopes I’ll see you. Because if fate is set in stone – we’ll see each other again. Whether it’ll be a forced smile and an awkward wave across hundreds of people, or a genuine laugh over a meal. I secretly hope for the latter – I’ve been through the former and it always brings tears to my eyes.
Oh, how I secretly wish that you treated me badly. Or done something that makes it perfectly okay for me to decide to move on. Because this? This is stupid.
13 12 2016
I stare at my phone for far too long, the screen showing your smile to the invisible object in to your left. It left me wondering, do you smile at random things on a daily basis? Or just because you know a friend is there with camera in hand?
I wonder what car you drive; whether or not it’s as cluttered as mine; whether or not it smells like you. Heck, I don’t even know how you smell. I forgot the way you sound; or if it was you who bit their nails in that room then.
I didn’t notice the way you flip your bangs when it’s getting in the way. I wondered if you have an AUX cord or not: or what type of song/radio station you listen to.
I wonder if you’d smile when you see me again; with a set of brand new sight; because the last time you saw me, you and I both didn’t know what would happen. I passed you, and you kept on walking. I was sweating and tired, you were holding a box of papers in hand.
I wonder if where we’re going is far; I wonder how long the awkward silence would fill the car till I force myself to make conversations; or whether you’d try to do that first.
Too many questions and what ifs surround ourselves; surround this, whatever it is. The problem is, you’re silent. I wanted to scream but everyone else told me to be quiet. Because a girl has to have her dignity and let the guy make the first move. Doesn’t even matter that all I want to do is throw away my pride, and flirt again with you.
Maybe I didn’t like you that much; maybe I just realized that I prefer being ignored for a couple of hours rather than being ignored in months.
I told everyone; “He’s never going to reply. He’s too busy. He’s not that interested.” I secretly wish that you’d prove me wrong. Please. Prove me wrong. I’m still waiting.
I wonder what car you drive; whether or not it’s as cluttered as mine; whether or not it smells like you. Heck, I don’t even know how you smell. I forgot the way you sound; or if it was you who bit their nails in that room then.
I didn’t notice the way you flip your bangs when it’s getting in the way. I wondered if you have an AUX cord or not: or what type of song/radio station you listen to.
I wonder if you’d smile when you see me again; with a set of brand new sight; because the last time you saw me, you and I both didn’t know what would happen. I passed you, and you kept on walking. I was sweating and tired, you were holding a box of papers in hand.
I wonder if where we’re going is far; I wonder how long the awkward silence would fill the car till I force myself to make conversations; or whether you’d try to do that first.
Too many questions and what ifs surround ourselves; surround this, whatever it is. The problem is, you’re silent. I wanted to scream but everyone else told me to be quiet. Because a girl has to have her dignity and let the guy make the first move. Doesn’t even matter that all I want to do is throw away my pride, and flirt again with you.
Maybe I didn’t like you that much; maybe I just realized that I prefer being ignored for a couple of hours rather than being ignored in months.
I told everyone; “He’s never going to reply. He’s too busy. He’s not that interested.” I secretly wish that you’d prove me wrong. Please. Prove me wrong. I’m still waiting.
08 12 2016
You you you you you you you
It’s all I keep thinking about
But this time it’s not clouded in sadness
It’s not surrounded in gloom
This time, my feelings flash red
I re-read everything
And I’m angry
Because the least that you can do is reply
Pick a topic
Don’t make me the sole carrier of this burden
I’m beginning to think that this is your normal
That that Thursday was a drunk - or a tired - version of you
Or maybe
You were just not that interested
You’re probably thinking, ‘there’s nothing to lose if i give this gal a lil hope’
You’re probably not thinking how i’m gonna react
And here i am
No longer sad
But extremely frustrated.
Thanks.
You can see where I started doubting my thoughts.
It’s all I keep thinking about
But this time it’s not clouded in sadness
It’s not surrounded in gloom
This time, my feelings flash red
I re-read everything
And I’m angry
Because the least that you can do is reply
Pick a topic
Don’t make me the sole carrier of this burden
I’m beginning to think that this is your normal
That that Thursday was a drunk - or a tired - version of you
Or maybe
You were just not that interested
You’re probably thinking, ‘there’s nothing to lose if i give this gal a lil hope’
You’re probably not thinking how i’m gonna react
And here i am
No longer sad
But extremely frustrated.
Thanks.
You can see where I started doubting my thoughts.
02 12 2016
it was time to give up.
she told me i needed someone who's not an overachiever
she told me i needed someone who can calm me down when i panic
she told me i needed someone who can explain everything logically
she basically told me the one i need is not you.
she said people in your line of work tend to not talk much;
that i would tire myself out because you probably wouldn't be able to explain something to me
that the reason you're doing this is either:
1. there's someone else occupying your mind
2. you're just not that interested
that getting to know each other should be fun, not stressful
and i'm starting to believe her.
or maybe i shouldn't?
she told me i needed someone who's not an overachiever
she told me i needed someone who can calm me down when i panic
she told me i needed someone who can explain everything logically
she basically told me the one i need is not you.
she said people in your line of work tend to not talk much;
that i would tire myself out because you probably wouldn't be able to explain something to me
that the reason you're doing this is either:
1. there's someone else occupying your mind
2. you're just not that interested
that getting to know each other should be fun, not stressful
and i'm starting to believe her.
or maybe i shouldn't?
01 12 2016
Waiting for you felt a lot like walking in the woods
Everything is fine and beautiful
Until I decide to torture myself
Until I decide to turn onto a familiar road
When it's all about finding uncharted territores.
Waiting for you felt a lot like trying to fly
The stars are all aligned
Until the moment to jump looms
Until I forgot that it's time to let go
When it's all about losing myself to the sky
Waiting for you felt a lot like swimming
The waves and currents are against me
Until I remember I need to survive
Until I forgot that you're supposed to swim with the current
When it's all about survining, not trying to win.
Everything is fine and beautiful
Until I decide to torture myself
Until I decide to turn onto a familiar road
When it's all about finding uncharted territores.
Waiting for you felt a lot like trying to fly
The stars are all aligned
Until the moment to jump looms
Until I forgot that it's time to let go
When it's all about losing myself to the sky
Waiting for you felt a lot like swimming
The waves and currents are against me
Until I remember I need to survive
Until I forgot that you're supposed to swim with the current
When it's all about survining, not trying to win.
28 11 2016
i finally came to the realization.
it took me a month
it took me nothing but a sudden self questioning;
"where did i went wrong?"
"what did i do?"
it was never the question of you;
"what did you think of my message?"
"how did that made you feel?"
because i know nothing of what goes in your head, never mind your heart.
so where did i went wrong?
i went wrong the minute i decided to be myself.
i kept on badgering questions after questions
i showed my card
i became myself
and that's where i went wrong
of course you wouldn't like me chasing after you
you're probably used to be the one chasing
as do every other guy in the planet
of course you didn't reply me for hours
you're probably annoyed of me
trying to keep the conversations alive
even when the signs of rot and death is there
of course you're not into me
you're probably shaking your head thinking
'damn why is this girl so desperate'
and i can't blame you
because i see all my flaws and my mistakes
and all i can do now
is hope that i learned my lesson
to not be myself anymore
since that's what's gotten myself into trouble
but then again
why am i making this about myself?
it's supposed to be about you
but i don't know what's going on in your head
and i know all to well what's going on in mine.
it took me a month
it took me nothing but a sudden self questioning;
"where did i went wrong?"
"what did i do?"
it was never the question of you;
"what did you think of my message?"
"how did that made you feel?"
because i know nothing of what goes in your head, never mind your heart.
so where did i went wrong?
i went wrong the minute i decided to be myself.
i kept on badgering questions after questions
i showed my card
i became myself
and that's where i went wrong
of course you wouldn't like me chasing after you
you're probably used to be the one chasing
as do every other guy in the planet
of course you didn't reply me for hours
you're probably annoyed of me
trying to keep the conversations alive
even when the signs of rot and death is there
of course you're not into me
you're probably shaking your head thinking
'damn why is this girl so desperate'
and i can't blame you
because i see all my flaws and my mistakes
and all i can do now
is hope that i learned my lesson
to not be myself anymore
since that's what's gotten myself into trouble
but then again
why am i making this about myself?
it's supposed to be about you
but i don't know what's going on in your head
and i know all to well what's going on in mine.
19 11 2016 - 3
i understand.
the beauty of having someone else understanding you.
'I have to work for another week,' you said as tears fell down my cheeks.
i understand.
'It's extended. New module coming up.' you said as i wish you'd say more.
i understand.
oh, how i wish your friends would knock some sense into you
'damn it don't you see she's hurting'
'what the fuck did you do, you're ruining your chances'
'she's too nice for you, you shouldn't do that to her'
but maybe,
you never tell your friends about me
because i'm insignificant
i'm nobody
and nobody cares about how i feel
nobody cares about how disappointment would be a knife twisting through my heart
because i'm insignificant.
and i have to understand
but nobody has to understand me
the beauty of having someone else understanding you.
'I have to work for another week,' you said as tears fell down my cheeks.
i understand.
'It's extended. New module coming up.' you said as i wish you'd say more.
i understand.
oh, how i wish your friends would knock some sense into you
'damn it don't you see she's hurting'
'what the fuck did you do, you're ruining your chances'
'she's too nice for you, you shouldn't do that to her'
but maybe,
you never tell your friends about me
because i'm insignificant
i'm nobody
and nobody cares about how i feel
nobody cares about how disappointment would be a knife twisting through my heart
because i'm insignificant.
and i have to understand
but nobody has to understand me
19 11 2016 - 2
it's in moments like these that i wish for numbness,
so i can care less about what you do
so i can be selfish
and let you feel guilty
but you probably won't
you probably didn't even blink or panicked when i texted last night
not the way it went in my head, i guess.
because you forgot
because i'm easily forgotten
i'm not that memorable, i guess.
i kept thinking,
what if i say goodbye now
would you remember me in a couple of years?
would my smile flash in your memory when you least expected it?
or probably, i would only be a dark smudge in your head
a faceless, nameless girl
another tick on your scoreboard.
but that's for later.
for now, i have to think of a response
a perfect response
one that shows that i'm unfazed
that this doesn't deter me much
that i don't feel anything
because i have to be selfless
i have to put others first
no matter how broken i feel
i have to put others first.
so i can care less about what you do
so i can be selfish
and let you feel guilty
but you probably won't
you probably didn't even blink or panicked when i texted last night
not the way it went in my head, i guess.
because you forgot
because i'm easily forgotten
i'm not that memorable, i guess.
i kept thinking,
what if i say goodbye now
would you remember me in a couple of years?
would my smile flash in your memory when you least expected it?
or probably, i would only be a dark smudge in your head
a faceless, nameless girl
another tick on your scoreboard.
but that's for later.
for now, i have to think of a response
a perfect response
one that shows that i'm unfazed
that this doesn't deter me much
that i don't feel anything
because i have to be selfless
i have to put others first
no matter how broken i feel
i have to put others first.
19 11 2016
Probably.
It's my new least favorite word.
You wanna know why?
Because you said you probably could fill your promise
Probably.
I read selectively when i saw that sentence.
I didn't realize that probably is the keyword there.
But never mind me, it's only been 10 minutes, and you still have 23 hours and 50 minutes to disappoint me.
I can't wait to see how broken my heart could get when the day is over.
It's my new least favorite word.
You wanna know why?
Because you said you probably could fill your promise
Probably.
I read selectively when i saw that sentence.
I didn't realize that probably is the keyword there.
But never mind me, it's only been 10 minutes, and you still have 23 hours and 50 minutes to disappoint me.
I can't wait to see how broken my heart could get when the day is over.
18 11 2016
It's 18 minutes to midnight.
18 minutes to the day you promised
But all i feel is disappointment
Because i thought i could trust you
I thought i could expect something else from you
But in the end it's back to this feeling again
Loneliness and rejection
The clock is ticking
I'm still hoping
And my faith is breaking apart piece by piece
Torn away by hands of indifference
I thought to myself
Maybe you're too tired and you overslept
Maybe the project is taking way longer than you expected
Or maybe, just maybe
You forgot.
Or you didn't care in the first place.
Or maybe you regret asking me.
Either way, it's now 14 minutes to midnight
And you're still not answering.
18 minutes to the day you promised
But all i feel is disappointment
Because i thought i could trust you
I thought i could expect something else from you
But in the end it's back to this feeling again
Loneliness and rejection
The clock is ticking
I'm still hoping
And my faith is breaking apart piece by piece
Torn away by hands of indifference
I thought to myself
Maybe you're too tired and you overslept
Maybe the project is taking way longer than you expected
Or maybe, just maybe
You forgot.
Or you didn't care in the first place.
Or maybe you regret asking me.
Either way, it's now 14 minutes to midnight
And you're still not answering.
to the moon and back?
i will never tell you that i love you to the moon and back
because the universe is too vast
because i believe in multiverse, or parallel universe, if you will.
and the way i feel encompasses all those universes, not simply to the moon and back.
because the universe is too vast
because i believe in multiverse, or parallel universe, if you will.
and the way i feel encompasses all those universes, not simply to the moon and back.
17 11 2016
last saturday i thought to myself
a week - that's how long i have to keep existing till i see you
and now that it's thursday
i dread the saturday
i fear it
and it made me anxious
which is surprising, since anxiety never really show up until i'm lonely
and i shouldn't feel lonely, should i?
i mean, now that you're here
you're possibly the cure to my anxiety
but still a possibility
that ranges from 0.1% to 99%
and now that it's thursday
i dread the saturday
because it's still too mysterious
where will we be
how will we get there
will you drive me back?
who will you be
because you're still a stranger in all senses that matters
but you don't feel like a stranger for my consciousness
the way i always wake up and check my phone to see if you say hi - to let me know i'm in your thoughts
but maybe that's just me
since i've never been like this
i can't exactly know if i'm simply living in my head
i don't exactly know if i'm simply infatuated
i don't exactly know if i'm simply in love with the idea of you
and i hate not knowing.
a week - that's how long i have to keep existing till i see you
and now that it's thursday
i dread the saturday
i fear it
and it made me anxious
which is surprising, since anxiety never really show up until i'm lonely
and i shouldn't feel lonely, should i?
i mean, now that you're here
you're possibly the cure to my anxiety
but still a possibility
that ranges from 0.1% to 99%
and now that it's thursday
i dread the saturday
because it's still too mysterious
where will we be
how will we get there
will you drive me back?
who will you be
because you're still a stranger in all senses that matters
but you don't feel like a stranger for my consciousness
the way i always wake up and check my phone to see if you say hi - to let me know i'm in your thoughts
but maybe that's just me
since i've never been like this
i can't exactly know if i'm simply living in my head
i don't exactly know if i'm simply infatuated
i don't exactly know if i'm simply in love with the idea of you
and i hate not knowing.
11 11 2016
i was insecure today, and it's okay.
doubt was crossing and turning and churning and spewing
and i started to analyze again
back at it again with analyzing
the process of playing back every moment every sentence every word
and seeing flaws in perfection, looking for evidence in crime scenes of my head
i was self conscious today, and it's okay.
she's so different than me, my head said
she's your polar opposite, my analysis shows
she's so pretty,
she's slimmer
his hands would fit in hers because her fingers aren't fat
his arms would encircle her waist perfectly because hers is smaller than mine
they spent years together getting to know each other each crevices each hollows each valleys
they were 'forever and ever' every night spilling their deepest darkest secret
and on and on and on and on and on
and i wonder how many 'and on' i can add before it gets too old.
what makes him crave me
what makes me crave him
what exactly is appealing about me, when i can't even see it myself
doubt was crossing and turning and churning and spewing
and i started to analyze again
back at it again with analyzing
the process of playing back every moment every sentence every word
and seeing flaws in perfection, looking for evidence in crime scenes of my head
i was self conscious today, and it's okay.
she's so pretty,
what makes him crave me
what makes me crave him
what exactly is appealing about me, when i can't even see it myself
perks of being my mate - according to myself over a year ago
I know what it feels like to be ignored and not noticed, so I would make it damn sure you never have to go through what I went through.
I will hug you as hard as I can when you're sad.
You can always reach me (as long as I'm not painting my nails lol)
I will try to cheer you up whenever you're down.
I wouldn't try to cage you, because I know people need their freedom
But I wouldn't let you fly to places I know will hurt you
I will complement your weaknesses and amplify your strength, as I hope you would mine.
I will cook for you, even though my cooking ability is very limited hahahaha
I will laugh at your jokes even though they're not funny
I would stay up late even though I have math test tomorrow and I haven't studied yet when I know you need me most.
When you can't sleep, I will read you bedtime stories and sing you lullabies
I will let you sleep on my thighs or my stomach because I know it's pretty fluffy hahahahaha
I wouldn't question your past when you ask me not to, even though it would eat me alive
I would apologize at my mistakes and forgive you for yours.
and lastly, I will wait for you, but please don't let me jump when you wouldn't want to catch me when I fall.
I will hug you as hard as I can when you're sad.
You can always reach me (as long as I'm not painting my nails lol)
I will try to cheer you up whenever you're down.
I wouldn't try to cage you, because I know people need their freedom
But I wouldn't let you fly to places I know will hurt you
I will complement your weaknesses and amplify your strength, as I hope you would mine.
I will cook for you, even though my cooking ability is very limited hahahaha
I will laugh at your jokes even though they're not funny
I would stay up late even though I have math test tomorrow and I haven't studied yet when I know you need me most.
When you can't sleep, I will read you bedtime stories and sing you lullabies
I will let you sleep on my thighs or my stomach because I know it's pretty fluffy hahahahaha
I wouldn't question your past when you ask me not to, even though it would eat me alive
I would apologize at my mistakes and forgive you for yours.
and lastly, I will wait for you, but please don't let me jump when you wouldn't want to catch me when I fall.
9 11 2016
I'm not ready.
I always thought it would be an easy yes - a sure answer I'll pronounce in a heartbeat
I always thought I wouldn't doubt it anymore
I'm not ready.
Call me impatient - but I can't think straight and I don't want to wait 2 more weeks
Call me an addict - but you're my personal brand of heroin, and I don't want to stop inhaling you in
I'm not ready.
I heard it all from faceless voices
How it hurts it's amazing it's nice it's the best
How it was fun it's profound until they broke apart
I'm not ready.
I can't face the fact that there will always be a chance i'll face the same situation
I can't wait to get rid of this, this harness of innocence
I'm too ready.
I spent each waking day reading and watching and listening and analyzing
I spent each breath researching and looking up things and finding
I'm too ready
In my head, different scenarios run around resulting in 1-2 possible outcomes
In my absence of busyness, the impossible becomes daydreams
I'm too ready
I speak and compose sentences and write poems and write comebacks
All leading towards the same unconscious goal - to sound not as inexperienced as i actually am
I'm not ready
To live life with no regrets
Not when i know the possibility is endless
Now until i know the possibility is endless - but limited to love.
4 11 2016
i fall too hard
too deep
too quick
and that's my weakness
you play it by ear
by letting it flow
by letting it go slow
and that's your power
you told me i'm a dominant
but whenever you're around
next to me
or in my head
or in my thoughts
i turn submissive
you told me you want to be 'my submissive guy'
but reality proves otherwise
i unknowingly give you the power
the power to control my mood even though you're far away
the power to make me smile whenever i see you reply; which comes in 5-6 hours interval
the power to turn me miserable whenever i see you're online; but don't reply
is it wrong to want to make you talk
is it wrong to want to know you better
is it wrong to try to understand what makes you live
because if it is
i'll stop
see, this is how fucked up i am
i hate not being able to do anything
i hate being powerless
i hate not being in control
and you're my catalyst.
too deep
too quick
and that's my weakness
you play it by ear
by letting it flow
by letting it go slow
and that's your power
you told me i'm a dominant
but whenever you're around
next to me
or in my head
or in my thoughts
i turn submissive
you told me you want to be 'my submissive guy'
but reality proves otherwise
i unknowingly give you the power
the power to control my mood even though you're far away
the power to make me smile whenever i see you reply; which comes in 5-6 hours interval
the power to turn me miserable whenever i see you're online; but don't reply
is it wrong to want to make you talk
is it wrong to want to know you better
is it wrong to try to understand what makes you live
because if it is
i'll stop
see, this is how fucked up i am
i hate not being able to do anything
i hate being powerless
i hate not being in control
and you're my catalyst.
3 11 2016
I keep thinking, what would happen if I said something different then?
What would happen if I didn't say that I need more than good luck?
Would you still flirt with me if I hadn't asked why you weren't there that night?
Would you still ask me out if I didn't say that I need you?
I should be elated
I should be excited
- which I am, don't get me wrong.
I just keep wondering what would happen if it didn't go like this
I just keep thinking about your motive.
Let's find out.
What would happen if I didn't say that I need more than good luck?
Would you still flirt with me if I hadn't asked why you weren't there that night?
Would you still ask me out if I didn't say that I need you?
I should be elated
I should be excited
- which I am, don't get me wrong.
I just keep wondering what would happen if it didn't go like this
I just keep thinking about your motive.
Let's find out.
31 10 2016
i'm supposed to be moving on but i failed today.
i thought about you when i was forgetting everything else
i whispered your name when i was in throes of fantasies
i ran through so many scenarios of us, kissing, whispering, making innuendos and laughing at how silly it was, yet marveling at how we're craving each other.
none of it explains how i'm supposed to win you back
it could be a phone call - a fake drunk dial - except i don't drink myself drunk
it could be a staged accidental meeting - except i don't know when or where you'll be.
i theorized everything
how you haven't moved on
how i offended you when i said you're too busy
how you only needed a one night stand and once you realized i'm a virgin then you backed off
how you realized i'm not what you like
how you realized that i'm just a sad fat girl who has no experience or the skill to carry a conversation for more than an hour; or how selfish i am.
i learned to not regret; to not wishing i could turn back time.
today i failed. i wished i was back to that sunday
i wished i was back in the room with you, where i could've at least try to converse with you.
i wished i was back to that night, where i could've crashed in your room and pretend to be drunk that night.
i kept imagining how i'm supposed to collect what you said you'd do - to volunteer.
and i just checked the evidence - to make sure i'm using the right word for the sentence above
and i smiled
and i hate that i smiled
because i realized that i smiled
and i hate knowing that that would probably never happen again.
see the use of probably? i've not moved on. i still wish on a 'probably'. i still wish you're thinking about me the way i'm neurotic thinking about you.
but wishing is not moving on. and that's why i failed today.
and that's why i needed to see if tomorrow - or next month - i'll feel differently than i do now.
i thought about you when i was forgetting everything else
i whispered your name when i was in throes of fantasies
i ran through so many scenarios of us, kissing, whispering, making innuendos and laughing at how silly it was, yet marveling at how we're craving each other.
none of it explains how i'm supposed to win you back
it could be a phone call - a fake drunk dial - except i don't drink myself drunk
it could be a staged accidental meeting - except i don't know when or where you'll be.
i theorized everything
how you haven't moved on
how i offended you when i said you're too busy
how you only needed a one night stand and once you realized i'm a virgin then you backed off
how you realized i'm not what you like
how you realized that i'm just a sad fat girl who has no experience or the skill to carry a conversation for more than an hour; or how selfish i am.
i learned to not regret; to not wishing i could turn back time.
today i failed. i wished i was back to that sunday
i wished i was back in the room with you, where i could've at least try to converse with you.
i wished i was back to that night, where i could've crashed in your room and pretend to be drunk that night.
i kept imagining how i'm supposed to collect what you said you'd do - to volunteer.
and i just checked the evidence - to make sure i'm using the right word for the sentence above
and i smiled
and i hate that i smiled
because i realized that i smiled
and i hate knowing that that would probably never happen again.
see the use of probably? i've not moved on. i still wish on a 'probably'. i still wish you're thinking about me the way i'm neurotic thinking about you.
but wishing is not moving on. and that's why i failed today.
and that's why i needed to see if tomorrow - or next month - i'll feel differently than i do now.
19 10 2016
It was the 4th or 5th night - I can't bring myself to remember. Nor can I find the courage to open the conversations again, knowing those numbers would be there to haunt me. Knowing I was being ignored.
It was the 4th or 5th night - when I started feeling miserable. I thought life was supposed to be sunshine and daisies the moment you clicked with somebody else. Or maybe it's just a placebo?
It was the 4th or 5th night - finally realizing how unstable I am. How my mood swings whichever direction he pulls me into. A word and I'm flying through the roof, silence and I'm back again with my old friend.
It was the 4th or 5th night - I lose track of time. At times I wish he would say goodbye, then at least I know it's over. But he didn't. And I'm grateful for that, since I would probably be back into another round of depression.
It was the 4th or 5th night - I wish he'd explain. Or at least let me ask. It was so easy for us that night, but now I'm back to calculating my every word. The way I used to do before that night.
It's now the 7th night - the whole week. I thought we would've teased each other mercilessly by now, I thought you would've learned to make time to see my messages. I thought I would be smiling like crazy every time my phone pings. But that's the thing, I only thought. I forced myself to think about what to type, and you chose to ignore me. I'm now back to being a zombie - frowning every time my phone pings, knowing it's not you. Knowing it might never be you anymore.
It was the 4th or 5th night - when I started feeling miserable. I thought life was supposed to be sunshine and daisies the moment you clicked with somebody else. Or maybe it's just a placebo?
It was the 4th or 5th night - finally realizing how unstable I am. How my mood swings whichever direction he pulls me into. A word and I'm flying through the roof, silence and I'm back again with my old friend.
It was the 4th or 5th night - I lose track of time. At times I wish he would say goodbye, then at least I know it's over. But he didn't. And I'm grateful for that, since I would probably be back into another round of depression.
It was the 4th or 5th night - I wish he'd explain. Or at least let me ask. It was so easy for us that night, but now I'm back to calculating my every word. The way I used to do before that night.
It's now the 7th night - the whole week. I thought we would've teased each other mercilessly by now, I thought you would've learned to make time to see my messages. I thought I would be smiling like crazy every time my phone pings. But that's the thing, I only thought. I forced myself to think about what to type, and you chose to ignore me. I'm now back to being a zombie - frowning every time my phone pings, knowing it's not you. Knowing it might never be you anymore.
23 08 2016
Weird how your life turns on its axis
It turns around the moment i signed a piece of paper
I didn't know the consequences, I didn't even think about what it means
All I knew was I'm doing this to get my dad off my back
To let myself free to do what I love
To do what I do greatly
Where people are in awe of what I do
Where people wish they're like me, chasing her dreams since she was young. Even if it meant giving my life away the moment I'm old enough. It's funny how it feels a lot like a fairytale - like Cinderella with her 12 o'clock chime, Aurora and her spindle, Snow White and her poison apple. Everything seems fine until the time's up. Until the moment's over.
It turns around the moment i signed a piece of paper
I didn't know the consequences, I didn't even think about what it means
All I knew was I'm doing this to get my dad off my back
To let myself free to do what I love
To do what I do greatly
Where people are in awe of what I do
Where people wish they're like me, chasing her dreams since she was young. Even if it meant giving my life away the moment I'm old enough. It's funny how it feels a lot like a fairytale - like Cinderella with her 12 o'clock chime, Aurora and her spindle, Snow White and her poison apple. Everything seems fine until the time's up. Until the moment's over.
13 08 2016
am i too intense?
how would you describe yourself? everyone would insert 'nice' somewhere along the sentence because thats what we're supposed to be. we're supposed to be nice and compliant and easily nodding.
i think im too intense - i fall too fast - but its not falling, its not crushing, its not loving, its pining.
pining for people i can never have is all i can do.
and now i dont even know if i actually pine for people im supposed to.
and it scares me because will my family even accept me if i am?
and it terrifies me because i know deep down that im not even going to be able to tell for myself for i live in a cage, in a prison, with golden bars and diamond encrusted shackles. in the middle of nowhere.
i dont think i can come out
i dont think i can change
i dont think i can try for myself
i dont think i will ever have the chance to
i dont think i will be happy
and thats why i read, i suppose
because focusing on my own problem would be too much of an ache - heartache headache stomachache everywhereache - and its easier to lose yourself trying to fix someone else or at least reading about how they fix it.
how would you describe yourself? everyone would insert 'nice' somewhere along the sentence because thats what we're supposed to be. we're supposed to be nice and compliant and easily nodding.
i think im too intense - i fall too fast - but its not falling, its not crushing, its not loving, its pining.
pining for people i can never have is all i can do.
and now i dont even know if i actually pine for people im supposed to.
and it scares me because will my family even accept me if i am?
and it terrifies me because i know deep down that im not even going to be able to tell for myself for i live in a cage, in a prison, with golden bars and diamond encrusted shackles. in the middle of nowhere.
i dont think i can come out
i dont think i can change
i dont think i can try for myself
i dont think i will ever have the chance to
i dont think i will be happy
and thats why i read, i suppose
because focusing on my own problem would be too much of an ache - heartache headache stomachache everywhereache - and its easier to lose yourself trying to fix someone else or at least reading about how they fix it.
13 08 2016
Dear,
It's been a long time. I've neglected and postponed and forgot about everything i promised I would write. I told myself to not go there, anytime I feel like the word vomit would come out of my mouth,
Don't
Go
There.
I promised myself to not write or think about anything bad when I'm on vacation. It was time for happy thoughts, with sun and sand and coconut water and fishes and boat rides and happiness. But no. of course something has to happen.
I dont think im going to forget about this in some time. i dont think its going to change anytime soon.
I was being brave, being courageous and confident and loving and happy and then she screamed for me to
cover
it
up.
nobody wants to see your fat hands with the excessively big arm and your folds and your fat belly and your big thighs and your stretch marks
even though im proud of my body
ive been through so many words so many insults so many shame so many stares and chiding and thinly veiled insults and crass words in my face and behind me and in my head its all saying the same thing
your body is not worth looking at, how could anyone love it? and if i dont have my body i have nothing else. i dont have my nail art skills i dont have my compassion i dont have any knowledge or anything worth except my body because how can someone love me if they dont love my body
i see girls and boys and kids and old people on instagram being confident brave FABULOUS. nobody ever says that about me except when i pose and tuck in and push in and press that screen drag it slowly so no one would notice the difference with my actual body because god forbids my tummy have rolls and my arms look like a bodyguards and my shoulder look like a swimmers in my social media.
and the worst part is, theyre the ones who bring me into this world. theyre the ones who are supposed to love me for who i am for me for myself for my body for my brain for my skills for my love for the things i do and the things i dont
or perhaps i should lower my standards. even my parents keep telling me to change to evolve to be something else. and today i noticed it. i change the way i talk the way i style my hair the way i talk, i dont remember talking like myself because i have to hide and cower and run away, but i cant run.
my dad dont even take the time in his day to ask me how im doing how my college is doing how my nail art is doing am i even good enough in my nail art am i earning the right amount of money am i overcharging or undercharging how about my makeup skill do i want to be a makeup artist a professional nail artist a blogger a vlogger a businesswoman. nobody asks so i guess thats why i dont think i will ever be enough to be anything worth someone's side glance.
but for now i have to focus on how to get these eyes to depuff asap.
It's been a long time. I've neglected and postponed and forgot about everything i promised I would write. I told myself to not go there, anytime I feel like the word vomit would come out of my mouth,
Don't
Go
There.
I promised myself to not write or think about anything bad when I'm on vacation. It was time for happy thoughts, with sun and sand and coconut water and fishes and boat rides and happiness. But no. of course something has to happen.
I dont think im going to forget about this in some time. i dont think its going to change anytime soon.
I was being brave, being courageous and confident and loving and happy and then she screamed for me to
cover
it
up.
nobody wants to see your fat hands with the excessively big arm and your folds and your fat belly and your big thighs and your stretch marks
even though im proud of my body
ive been through so many words so many insults so many shame so many stares and chiding and thinly veiled insults and crass words in my face and behind me and in my head its all saying the same thing
your body is not worth looking at, how could anyone love it? and if i dont have my body i have nothing else. i dont have my nail art skills i dont have my compassion i dont have any knowledge or anything worth except my body because how can someone love me if they dont love my body
i see girls and boys and kids and old people on instagram being confident brave FABULOUS. nobody ever says that about me except when i pose and tuck in and push in and press that screen drag it slowly so no one would notice the difference with my actual body because god forbids my tummy have rolls and my arms look like a bodyguards and my shoulder look like a swimmers in my social media.
and the worst part is, theyre the ones who bring me into this world. theyre the ones who are supposed to love me for who i am for me for myself for my body for my brain for my skills for my love for the things i do and the things i dont
or perhaps i should lower my standards. even my parents keep telling me to change to evolve to be something else. and today i noticed it. i change the way i talk the way i style my hair the way i talk, i dont remember talking like myself because i have to hide and cower and run away, but i cant run.
my dad dont even take the time in his day to ask me how im doing how my college is doing how my nail art is doing am i even good enough in my nail art am i earning the right amount of money am i overcharging or undercharging how about my makeup skill do i want to be a makeup artist a professional nail artist a blogger a vlogger a businesswoman. nobody asks so i guess thats why i dont think i will ever be enough to be anything worth someone's side glance.
but for now i have to focus on how to get these eyes to depuff asap.
05 05 2016
The idea of documenting my rants and memories has been brewing for a long time, but I never had the courage to actually do it due to my fear of people finding out about it and branding me as a whiny little bitch. But I had no more channel to actually express myself, since my 'friends' brand me and judge me either way.
So first let me tell you my story.
I'm a girl who has just turned 20 last month, and yet I don't feel like I'm 20. My parents still control my life pretty much in any aspect that they can control. My food, my diet, my (lack of) exercises, and most of all, the things I love doing.
You must be thinking, wow, this girl must be doing drugs or at least an alcoholic. But no, what I'm actually in love with is nail polish. I ran to nail polish and nail art back when I had nothing to do with my time when I graduated from junior high to high school. I had 2 months of free time and I just found out about nail art through YouTube and blogs. I started buying cheap nail polishes, and imagine my disappointment when my nail polish application was as good as a 5 year old child. But I still try to do my nails, even though my school doesn't exactly allow the students having long nails, neither do they allow having students using nail polish. My trick? Applying them late at night, taking pictures, and then erase them right before I go to sleep, so my nails are always clean whenever I go to school.
It kept on going like that until I graduated from high school, in which I actually found a community of nail art addicts, which then fueled my passion for nails. And by the way, my technique improved a lot better now lol.
Oh, and you should probably know that I'm obese. Back when I graduated from high school, I weighed 100,4 kg. Which is around 200lbs for you Americans. I didn't see my weight as a problem, only a nuisance that I have to go to a specific store to buy clothes. I joined the gym with the encouragement of my friends, and my parents got me a personal trainer. I lost 20kg in about 3 months in that holiday period teenagers go through when they graduate from high school. The minute I got to university, the cravings I managed to suppress in the holidays came back tenfold. I started gaining my weight back, and having no time going to the gym due to the busy nature of uni life, I gained almost all of the weight I lost. I was 18.
At first I didn't notice it, but as time goes, my clothes no longer fit me, the skinny jeans that I bought is simply too tight and I now put it in the back of my closet so I don't have to see it again.
This is right where the story gets a little depressing (to myself, at least).
I LOVE doing my nails, and other people's. I invested a lot of money in the tools, the polishes, and other trinkets. My friends and family say that I have more nail polish and trinkets compared to the nail salons. I opened up a little online shop where I sell press-on nails (fake nails) and I started to gain a lot of money doing that. I found out that a lot of people really love what I do and they're willing to pay me for it.
On the other hand, my parents are your usual strict Asian parents, who sees nail polish and nail art as a distraction. Not a distraction to my studies, since they could care less about it. But it's a distraction to my weight loss/management. The time I spent on caring my nails are time I'm supposed to go to the gym, to train, to lose my weight. Back when I lost all of that weight, I started having a crush on one of my classmate. I thought, with positivism that a girl can get from losing a lot of weight, that this time around my crush or feelings wouldn't be one sided any longer. I was wrong. The guy, who I actually went to high school with, still see me as his best friend, and he went on and got into a relationship as I started gaining weight again. I guess I don't see the benefit of having a slimmer figure if the guy that I like still wouldn't see me as beautiful, and found a girlfriend whose body is enviable.
Back to today's rants and memories. I just finished filming a nail art tutorial for YouTube when my dad suddenly came upstairs. He saw me with the full gear of my usual YouTube shooting, the tripods, the lightings, and of course, the nail polish. Just a few days earlier, I asked him to take my camera to his friend to be swapped with a newer design, which I'm planning on paying by myself, as I have already saved up money for it. He started to raise his voice (he never screams) asking me if the new camera is actually for this whole nail art business or not. He asked me what time I'm going to the gym today, since it's holiday. I told him I'm on my period, and he started the old threat of throwing all of my nail polishes or putting them in the garage or breaking off all of my tools. I actually want to see him do it, want him to see how broken I would be when he actually did it, for him to see that nail art is one of the very few thing that I'm good at and losing it would only push me away further. I want him to see how broken I am, so finally, finally, he would start actually caring for me, actually wanting to try to get to know me.
My dad has been a traveler his whole life, the amount of time he spends at home is a lot fewer than the time he spends working. my history with him isn't exactly a happy memory either. The biggest, most vivid memory I have with him is when he locked me up in the garage when I was 5 or 6. I had been riding my bike across the complex, and I was living in a highly volatile province, where crime happens every day right under our noses, so he forbids me from riding my bike too late. I came home when the sky has been dark, with him standing in front of my home. He never raises an arm on anyone, so he stood there, with arms across his chest, and told me to go to the garage. He hung my bike on the ceiling, turned off the light in the garage, and left me there. I have no memory of what happens next, but I'm guessing I cried a lot. I don't even remember what time he actually took me our of there, or who actually let me out, my mom or my dad. Ever since that, I've been on edge around him. Waiting for the time he actually keeps me in the garage again, or simply raising his voice.
So first let me tell you my story.
I'm a girl who has just turned 20 last month, and yet I don't feel like I'm 20. My parents still control my life pretty much in any aspect that they can control. My food, my diet, my (lack of) exercises, and most of all, the things I love doing.
You must be thinking, wow, this girl must be doing drugs or at least an alcoholic. But no, what I'm actually in love with is nail polish. I ran to nail polish and nail art back when I had nothing to do with my time when I graduated from junior high to high school. I had 2 months of free time and I just found out about nail art through YouTube and blogs. I started buying cheap nail polishes, and imagine my disappointment when my nail polish application was as good as a 5 year old child. But I still try to do my nails, even though my school doesn't exactly allow the students having long nails, neither do they allow having students using nail polish. My trick? Applying them late at night, taking pictures, and then erase them right before I go to sleep, so my nails are always clean whenever I go to school.
It kept on going like that until I graduated from high school, in which I actually found a community of nail art addicts, which then fueled my passion for nails. And by the way, my technique improved a lot better now lol.
Oh, and you should probably know that I'm obese. Back when I graduated from high school, I weighed 100,4 kg. Which is around 200lbs for you Americans. I didn't see my weight as a problem, only a nuisance that I have to go to a specific store to buy clothes. I joined the gym with the encouragement of my friends, and my parents got me a personal trainer. I lost 20kg in about 3 months in that holiday period teenagers go through when they graduate from high school. The minute I got to university, the cravings I managed to suppress in the holidays came back tenfold. I started gaining my weight back, and having no time going to the gym due to the busy nature of uni life, I gained almost all of the weight I lost. I was 18.
At first I didn't notice it, but as time goes, my clothes no longer fit me, the skinny jeans that I bought is simply too tight and I now put it in the back of my closet so I don't have to see it again.
This is right where the story gets a little depressing (to myself, at least).
I LOVE doing my nails, and other people's. I invested a lot of money in the tools, the polishes, and other trinkets. My friends and family say that I have more nail polish and trinkets compared to the nail salons. I opened up a little online shop where I sell press-on nails (fake nails) and I started to gain a lot of money doing that. I found out that a lot of people really love what I do and they're willing to pay me for it.
On the other hand, my parents are your usual strict Asian parents, who sees nail polish and nail art as a distraction. Not a distraction to my studies, since they could care less about it. But it's a distraction to my weight loss/management. The time I spent on caring my nails are time I'm supposed to go to the gym, to train, to lose my weight. Back when I lost all of that weight, I started having a crush on one of my classmate. I thought, with positivism that a girl can get from losing a lot of weight, that this time around my crush or feelings wouldn't be one sided any longer. I was wrong. The guy, who I actually went to high school with, still see me as his best friend, and he went on and got into a relationship as I started gaining weight again. I guess I don't see the benefit of having a slimmer figure if the guy that I like still wouldn't see me as beautiful, and found a girlfriend whose body is enviable.
Back to today's rants and memories. I just finished filming a nail art tutorial for YouTube when my dad suddenly came upstairs. He saw me with the full gear of my usual YouTube shooting, the tripods, the lightings, and of course, the nail polish. Just a few days earlier, I asked him to take my camera to his friend to be swapped with a newer design, which I'm planning on paying by myself, as I have already saved up money for it. He started to raise his voice (he never screams) asking me if the new camera is actually for this whole nail art business or not. He asked me what time I'm going to the gym today, since it's holiday. I told him I'm on my period, and he started the old threat of throwing all of my nail polishes or putting them in the garage or breaking off all of my tools. I actually want to see him do it, want him to see how broken I would be when he actually did it, for him to see that nail art is one of the very few thing that I'm good at and losing it would only push me away further. I want him to see how broken I am, so finally, finally, he would start actually caring for me, actually wanting to try to get to know me.
My dad has been a traveler his whole life, the amount of time he spends at home is a lot fewer than the time he spends working. my history with him isn't exactly a happy memory either. The biggest, most vivid memory I have with him is when he locked me up in the garage when I was 5 or 6. I had been riding my bike across the complex, and I was living in a highly volatile province, where crime happens every day right under our noses, so he forbids me from riding my bike too late. I came home when the sky has been dark, with him standing in front of my home. He never raises an arm on anyone, so he stood there, with arms across his chest, and told me to go to the garage. He hung my bike on the ceiling, turned off the light in the garage, and left me there. I have no memory of what happens next, but I'm guessing I cried a lot. I don't even remember what time he actually took me our of there, or who actually let me out, my mom or my dad. Ever since that, I've been on edge around him. Waiting for the time he actually keeps me in the garage again, or simply raising his voice.
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