i'm supposed to be moving on but i failed today.
i thought about you when i was forgetting everything else
i whispered your name when i was in throes of fantasies
i ran through so many scenarios of us, kissing, whispering, making innuendos and laughing at how silly it was, yet marveling at how we're craving each other.
none of it explains how i'm supposed to win you back
it could be a phone call - a fake drunk dial - except i don't drink myself drunk
it could be a staged accidental meeting - except i don't know when or where you'll be.
i theorized everything
how you haven't moved on
how i offended you when i said you're too busy
how you only needed a one night stand and once you realized i'm a virgin then you backed off
how you realized i'm not what you like
how you realized that i'm just a sad fat girl who has no experience or the skill to carry a conversation for more than an hour; or how selfish i am.
i learned to not regret; to not wishing i could turn back time.
today i failed. i wished i was back to that sunday
i wished i was back in the room with you, where i could've at least try to converse with you.
i wished i was back to that night, where i could've crashed in your room and pretend to be drunk that night.
i kept imagining how i'm supposed to collect what you said you'd do - to volunteer.
and i just checked the evidence - to make sure i'm using the right word for the sentence above
and i smiled
and i hate that i smiled
because i realized that i smiled
and i hate knowing that that would probably never happen again.
see the use of probably? i've not moved on. i still wish on a 'probably'. i still wish you're thinking about me the way i'm neurotic thinking about you.
but wishing is not moving on. and that's why i failed today.
and that's why i needed to see if tomorrow - or next month - i'll feel differently than i do now.