I’m sorry if I’m untrustworthy
I’m sorry if I can’t make you happy
I’m sorry if I can’t keep being a good daughter
I’m sorry i dont drink
Im sorry I don’t whore myself out
Im sorry im not into any drugs
Im sorry for being obedient
For trying to study
For trying to make you proud
For trying to make the money you spend on my education worthwhile
When all you cared about is me getting home at 10 every night
09 01 2017
It feels weird, being able to suddenly smile while a thoight crosses my mind. In my head I always brace myself for the worst, just in case life starts throwing pebbles and river stones to me again. I’m wired to not get carried away by an emotion – to keep my hopes down, so I would be surprised that it went well rather than disappointed that it went badly. I keep smiling, remembering, being thankful, but a dark cloud always come chasing away that smile.
09 01 2017
I can’t remember the last time I went to bed with a grin on my face and contentment in my heart. Thank you for spending time with me.
08 01 2017
we finally met again.
i have no idea what i want to write, which part of the day i want to share, but all i know is that i need to write it down in case i ever forget.
i still had my doubts an hour before you came. but thankfully my expectations wasn't met, because i expected you to bail again today.
i sent you my location but then i forgot to give you the house number, so you had to reverse the car to get to my doorstep. i went in and it was hella awkward. we ate pork ribs with the soup and i ordered soya milk but it was out of stock so i got teh tarik, which has hair in it. you wanted to remove it with your chopsticks but i asked the waitress to switch it. we talked about your niece, who's actually one of the people i know in college, i asked you about your days in your hometown and i talk about mine. you drank tea and you told me you like dark tea, and we both can't handle coffee because it would keep us awake till 2 in the morning. we split the bill and you paid with your credit card. we passed the pool on the way to the ice cream shop and you tell me how you're always insecure because your friends are athletes. and i should've asked you to go to the pool with me. we went to the ice cream place and you had to park parallel, and you fell in love with the brown sugar ice cream while i had my earl grey and green tea ice cream. you kept fiddling with your laptop bag, because you're probably nervous just like me. i like how you always smile. we talked about the tournament, about the people who ran it and about how i hate my head of committee. i asked you about why you love your work and i told you about the fact that my dad expects me to continue his. we compare histories in different places and i saw you went to so many places. i wonder briefly how come can you be single when you've been to a lot of places and met with a lot of people. you told me you hate the politics in your college when you were there, and i told you about my campus. i talked about my dad's superstitions and how my name was given by a shaman or something. i told you that i like to debunk the superstitions using logic. we talked about out personalities using the MBTI, how mine always change because i'm turbulent and yours is always the same. your mom called you and you asked my permission to answer her phone. i like that, that you asked for my permission first to answer your friend's group chat. you told me about the guy you're trying to hijack and how your usually stingy friend suddenly can offer a high wage for the new guy. you asked me about the top 5 places to eat around the area because your mom wanted to come here. i asked why you suddenly changed the time because you said you can only meet me after 5, and you said you wanted to code in the morning, and i was elated because it means you made time for me instead. we took the ride around the area so i can show you the places. you handed me your phone so i can help you note down the places you want to take your family to, and i felt your callous palm, and even hours later i was still plagued by them. we eventually made our way back to my home and you stayed, chatted with me but you didn't make a move. i wanted to hug you but you don't look like you want to so we talk about your cats and their habits while rubbing my dog's head. i like that you're not scared of dogs and you actually want to play with her. you joked about being a supernatural guy and told me to move my fan to the other side of the room and i laughed. you said you gotta go and i walked you to your car. you wanted to high five me and i said i owed you a hug. i went in for the hug for 5 seconds because i don't want you to be uncomfortable even though i was craving for more. i ran back inside without looking back, hiding behind my door to see your car drove off.
i have no idea what i want to write, which part of the day i want to share, but all i know is that i need to write it down in case i ever forget.
i still had my doubts an hour before you came. but thankfully my expectations wasn't met, because i expected you to bail again today.
i sent you my location but then i forgot to give you the house number, so you had to reverse the car to get to my doorstep. i went in and it was hella awkward. we ate pork ribs with the soup and i ordered soya milk but it was out of stock so i got teh tarik, which has hair in it. you wanted to remove it with your chopsticks but i asked the waitress to switch it. we talked about your niece, who's actually one of the people i know in college, i asked you about your days in your hometown and i talk about mine. you drank tea and you told me you like dark tea, and we both can't handle coffee because it would keep us awake till 2 in the morning. we split the bill and you paid with your credit card. we passed the pool on the way to the ice cream shop and you tell me how you're always insecure because your friends are athletes. and i should've asked you to go to the pool with me. we went to the ice cream place and you had to park parallel, and you fell in love with the brown sugar ice cream while i had my earl grey and green tea ice cream. you kept fiddling with your laptop bag, because you're probably nervous just like me. i like how you always smile. we talked about the tournament, about the people who ran it and about how i hate my head of committee. i asked you about why you love your work and i told you about the fact that my dad expects me to continue his. we compare histories in different places and i saw you went to so many places. i wonder briefly how come can you be single when you've been to a lot of places and met with a lot of people. you told me you hate the politics in your college when you were there, and i told you about my campus. i talked about my dad's superstitions and how my name was given by a shaman or something. i told you that i like to debunk the superstitions using logic. we talked about out personalities using the MBTI, how mine always change because i'm turbulent and yours is always the same. your mom called you and you asked my permission to answer her phone. i like that, that you asked for my permission first to answer your friend's group chat. you told me about the guy you're trying to hijack and how your usually stingy friend suddenly can offer a high wage for the new guy. you asked me about the top 5 places to eat around the area because your mom wanted to come here. i asked why you suddenly changed the time because you said you can only meet me after 5, and you said you wanted to code in the morning, and i was elated because it means you made time for me instead. we took the ride around the area so i can show you the places. you handed me your phone so i can help you note down the places you want to take your family to, and i felt your callous palm, and even hours later i was still plagued by them. we eventually made our way back to my home and you stayed, chatted with me but you didn't make a move. i wanted to hug you but you don't look like you want to so we talk about your cats and their habits while rubbing my dog's head. i like that you're not scared of dogs and you actually want to play with her. you joked about being a supernatural guy and told me to move my fan to the other side of the room and i laughed. you said you gotta go and i walked you to your car. you wanted to high five me and i said i owed you a hug. i went in for the hug for 5 seconds because i don't want you to be uncomfortable even though i was craving for more. i ran back inside without looking back, hiding behind my door to see your car drove off.
07 01 2017
It’s sad how I keep bracing myself for the worst: that you’ll bail again. Because I don’t know how to deal with it if it happens. Do I stop? I probably should, shouldn’t I?
06 01 2017
I kept imagining:
You run your hand through your hair, because you can’t believe that you messed it up again. You forgot me and you’re so damn frustrated. You’re trying to focus on work instead but it’s not working, you can’t stop thinking that you’d hurt me.
But that’s not what happened, is it? Because life can’t seem to be content seeing me happy
What’s more plausible is this:
You’ve been meeting with so many people yesterday, and you got no time to check your phone. So you didn’t reply me, didn’t even open your chats until late at night. Even then, you’re too tired to reply so you wait till today. Until it’s lunch time when you’re no longer burdened. Except, you didn’t even say sorry, you thought the apology is implied in your answer, but I’m not a mind reader. I sent back a sad face thinking you’d reply to see how you can make me feel better, thinking you’d reply to figure out why I sent a sad face. But you thought to yourself, ‘I don’t have time for this shit’ and so you left me again. And it hurts. It hurts more than I thought it’d be because I keep telling myself to lower my expectations, and it still feels like a knife twisting between my ribcages. It feels like a hand clenching over my chest and wreaking havoc in my guts. And you’re still silent.
05 01 2017
and here i’m secretly wishing that we’re not compatible
because the thought of being disappointed again and again is torturous
but they say be careful what you wish for
and i’m contemplating reality
the demand of your work
the friendliness of you and your gal pals
can i power through them?
can i wither the storm?
04 01 2017
I found her.
Or, the girl I thought is her, anyway.
And she’s pretty. Smart. And of course, slimmer than me.
But she could be a best friend
A relative
Or a housemate
But he spent New Years together
And that must’ve meant something, right?
Or, the girl I thought is her, anyway.
And she’s pretty. Smart. And of course, slimmer than me.
But she could be a best friend
A relative
Or a housemate
But he spent New Years together
And that must’ve meant something, right?
03 01 2017
i am once again reminded of why i hate getting attached
because my hopes are insurmountable
and reality crashes like a wave onto jagged cliff-sides
because the books always remind me of him
and i become a renowned critic of fictions
because the movies are so cliche
and yet i wish the sweet walks in moonlight happen to us too
because the music are all wrong
and none of them ever compare to the pain i feel
because it has always been pain that's left behind
and i am yet again reminded that he has someone better
because i always become too curious for my own good
and the reality that she could be the one who has his heart always breaks mine
and i wanna see if he cares
but he still hasn't reached out
because my hopes are insurmountable
and reality crashes like a wave onto jagged cliff-sides
because the books always remind me of him
and i become a renowned critic of fictions
because the movies are so cliche
and yet i wish the sweet walks in moonlight happen to us too
because the music are all wrong
and none of them ever compare to the pain i feel
because it has always been pain that's left behind
and i am yet again reminded that he has someone better
because i always become too curious for my own good
and the reality that she could be the one who has his heart always breaks mine
and i wanna see if he cares
but he still hasn't reached out
03 01 2017
and I hope your heart will skip a beat whenever I smile, and you'd make a vow to never stop making me smile. but this is real life, and those things only happen in fiction.
- I hate my period because I get so emotional over everything.
- I hate my period because I get so emotional over everything.
03 01 2017
In the past, whenever she asks me to go with her, it was to make sure she got a valid reason of escape. She'd look at me and say, "are you tired?" and I'd nod, and she'd excuse us from whoever it was we were visiting.
and i kept thinking, is that what I am to her? an excuse? an escape plan? because I thought I was more.
and i kept thinking, is that what I am to her? an excuse? an escape plan? because I thought I was more.
03 01 2017
I just realized
With you it was like a tsunami
A hurricane
A natural disaster
Striking fast and passionate
Only to leave me heaving for breath the next day
As I struggle keeping the flow alive
With you it was like a tsunami
A hurricane
A natural disaster
Striking fast and passionate
Only to leave me heaving for breath the next day
As I struggle keeping the flow alive
And I hate that you don’t contribute
That you expect me to keep asking
If it’s rejection; scream it to me
Instead of planting little seeds of hints
That I would probably trample and leave unseen
That you expect me to keep asking
If it’s rejection; scream it to me
Instead of planting little seeds of hints
That I would probably trample and leave unseen
You were a lightning, big and loud and gone in a flash.
When all I wanted is a constant waterfall.
When all I wanted is a constant waterfall.
02 01 2017
If I didn’t reply for a day
Or a week
Would you come looking for me?
Or will you still take me for granted?
The way I left you to your own devices
Thinking you’d say something
But you didn’t.
Or a week
Would you come looking for me?
Or will you still take me for granted?
The way I left you to your own devices
Thinking you’d say something
But you didn’t.
01 01 2017
Happynewyear.
As the sky lit up in burnt gunpowder
And the haze settles in the air
My mind wanders to you
To what you could possibly be doing
While I blink away the dust that rains down
Were you in between your sheets
With her, offering you warmth?
Were you in the midst of passion
When I checked in, to see if you're alright
Because you told me you were sick
As the sky lit up in burnt gunpowder
And the haze settles in the air
My mind wanders to you
To what you could possibly be doing
While I blink away the dust that rains down
Were you in between your sheets
With her, offering you warmth?
Were you in the midst of passion
When I checked in, to see if you're alright
Because you told me you were sick
30 12 2016
I’m trying not to read into anything
I’m trying to just let it flow
I’m trying not to forget the disappointment
I’m trying to protect myself
So don’t be shocked when I close up
The way a clam would whenever a hand gets too close
I’m trying to just let it flow
I’m trying not to forget the disappointment
I’m trying to protect myself
So don’t be shocked when I close up
The way a clam would whenever a hand gets too close
29 12 2016
[02:50]
I caved in
I gave up the control
And I fall right back into you
With less expectations, I hope.
I caved in
I gave up the control
And I fall right back into you
With less expectations, I hope.
29 12 2016
I wish you took something away from me
I wish you stole a piece of me
to justify the sadness I feel.
Because above all
I still wish you’d say hello
And look for me somehow
To remind me that you haven’t forgotten about me
the way I’ll never forget you.
And the worst part is
I thought I was finally good enough
I thought I was enough for someone else
When my family don’t even think I’m enough
But I was dreaming, wasn’t I?
Because we never even sat down and talk
All we did was say hi and goodbye, all in one day
We never even met after that
Or we were supposed to, but you bailed.
And I’m partly grateful that we never see each other again
Because parting ways after that
Would hurt more than it’s hurting now
Wouldn’t it?
I wish you stole a piece of me
to justify the sadness I feel.
Because above all
I still wish you’d say hello
And look for me somehow
To remind me that you haven’t forgotten about me
the way I’ll never forget you.
And the worst part is
I thought I was finally good enough
I thought I was enough for someone else
When my family don’t even think I’m enough
But I was dreaming, wasn’t I?
Because we never even sat down and talk
All we did was say hi and goodbye, all in one day
We never even met after that
Or we were supposed to, but you bailed.
And I’m partly grateful that we never see each other again
Because parting ways after that
Would hurt more than it’s hurting now
Wouldn’t it?
29 12 2016
“This isn’t supposed to end like this,” she whispered.
“We’re not supposed to end like this,” she said as tears roll down her cheeks.
And yet, silence greets her, whisking her away to nothingness as her dream crashes and her reality sinks in.
28 12 2016
I deleted his contacts 2 days ago. It was so I can stop lurking; so I can no longer check to see if he’s online; what time he was last seen. I kept checking his social medias, to see if he’s out and about. But he’s nowhere to be seen. He posted 2 photos some days ago; and it made me sad. In one, he was sitting, showing off new money, and behind him is a calendar made of post-its. I saw it and immediately teared up; I have a gut feeling that I didn’t make it to that calendar. That it’s the only possibility that he could forget me that day. Oh, 19. The day will forever etched as a sad day. I swore to forget him, to scream out ‘fuck you’ off the top of buildings, so the world knows that I am no longer in his captive. And yet I dreamed of him this morning. In my dream I was doing something with some people and then he arrived and sat somewhere else. When it was time to go home, I ran after him and asked him if he can talk to me for a sec. He came after me and I asked him what’s up. I asked about work and he explained to me while walking through a market. The dream ended before I ever got the chance to say anything I meant to say. And it felt a lot like reality.
29 12 2016 update: i added him again.
29 12 2016 update: i added him again.
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