I wish you took something away from me
I wish you stole a piece of me
to justify the sadness I feel.
Because above all
I still wish you’d say hello
And look for me somehow
To remind me that you haven’t forgotten about me
the way I’ll never forget you.
And the worst part is
I thought I was finally good enough
I thought I was enough for someone else
When my family don’t even think I’m enough
But I was dreaming, wasn’t I?
Because we never even sat down and talk
All we did was say hi and goodbye, all in one day
We never even met after that
Or we were supposed to, but you bailed.
And I’m partly grateful that we never see each other again
Because parting ways after that
Would hurt more than it’s hurting now
Wouldn’t it?
29 12 2016
“This isn’t supposed to end like this,” she whispered.
“We’re not supposed to end like this,” she said as tears roll down her cheeks.
And yet, silence greets her, whisking her away to nothingness as her dream crashes and her reality sinks in.
28 12 2016
I deleted his contacts 2 days ago. It was so I can stop lurking; so I can no longer check to see if he’s online; what time he was last seen. I kept checking his social medias, to see if he’s out and about. But he’s nowhere to be seen. He posted 2 photos some days ago; and it made me sad. In one, he was sitting, showing off new money, and behind him is a calendar made of post-its. I saw it and immediately teared up; I have a gut feeling that I didn’t make it to that calendar. That it’s the only possibility that he could forget me that day. Oh, 19. The day will forever etched as a sad day. I swore to forget him, to scream out ‘fuck you’ off the top of buildings, so the world knows that I am no longer in his captive. And yet I dreamed of him this morning. In my dream I was doing something with some people and then he arrived and sat somewhere else. When it was time to go home, I ran after him and asked him if he can talk to me for a sec. He came after me and I asked him what’s up. I asked about work and he explained to me while walking through a market. The dream ended before I ever got the chance to say anything I meant to say. And it felt a lot like reality.
29 12 2016 update: i added him again.
29 12 2016 update: i added him again.
24 12 2016
I need to start accepting that it’s not my fault. Sometimes things are just not meant to be. And it’s okay.
- It’s been a month and you still haven’t said anything
- It’s been a month and you still haven’t said anything
23 12 2016
I sent you an email.
Unlike texts; I have no idea whether you’ve opened it or not.
And it’s killing me, the suspense of waiting.
Waiting for something that may never come.
Unlike texts; I have no idea whether you’ve opened it or not.
And it’s killing me, the suspense of waiting.
Waiting for something that may never come.
The rejection is loud and clear
And I hate you.
Why did you even flirt with me?
What am I? A toy?
A fun little experiment that you can just throw away at whim?
A nice break from all your routine?
And I hate you.
Why did you even flirt with me?
What am I? A toy?
A fun little experiment that you can just throw away at whim?
A nice break from all your routine?
Whatever I may be; you’re not going to have me again.
Unless you prove yourself.
Unless you prove yourself.
15 12 2016
I’ve realized that I’m probably never going to forget you – I’ll keep on remembering for years to come, I’ll keep obsessing until I found the courage to let go, to remove all evidences that I thought I was enough for someone else. I’ll keep tabs on you, though. I’ll be checking to see if you feel sad the way I’m sad – or if you feel nothing at all.
And I’ll stop trying. I’ll stop going someplace and attending some events in the hopes I’ll see you. Because if fate is set in stone – we’ll see each other again. Whether it’ll be a forced smile and an awkward wave across hundreds of people, or a genuine laugh over a meal. I secretly hope for the latter – I’ve been through the former and it always brings tears to my eyes.
Oh, how I secretly wish that you treated me badly. Or done something that makes it perfectly okay for me to decide to move on. Because this? This is stupid.
And I’ll stop trying. I’ll stop going someplace and attending some events in the hopes I’ll see you. Because if fate is set in stone – we’ll see each other again. Whether it’ll be a forced smile and an awkward wave across hundreds of people, or a genuine laugh over a meal. I secretly hope for the latter – I’ve been through the former and it always brings tears to my eyes.
Oh, how I secretly wish that you treated me badly. Or done something that makes it perfectly okay for me to decide to move on. Because this? This is stupid.
13 12 2016
I stare at my phone for far too long, the screen showing your smile to the invisible object in to your left. It left me wondering, do you smile at random things on a daily basis? Or just because you know a friend is there with camera in hand?
I wonder what car you drive; whether or not it’s as cluttered as mine; whether or not it smells like you. Heck, I don’t even know how you smell. I forgot the way you sound; or if it was you who bit their nails in that room then.
I didn’t notice the way you flip your bangs when it’s getting in the way. I wondered if you have an AUX cord or not: or what type of song/radio station you listen to.
I wonder if you’d smile when you see me again; with a set of brand new sight; because the last time you saw me, you and I both didn’t know what would happen. I passed you, and you kept on walking. I was sweating and tired, you were holding a box of papers in hand.
I wonder if where we’re going is far; I wonder how long the awkward silence would fill the car till I force myself to make conversations; or whether you’d try to do that first.
Too many questions and what ifs surround ourselves; surround this, whatever it is. The problem is, you’re silent. I wanted to scream but everyone else told me to be quiet. Because a girl has to have her dignity and let the guy make the first move. Doesn’t even matter that all I want to do is throw away my pride, and flirt again with you.
Maybe I didn’t like you that much; maybe I just realized that I prefer being ignored for a couple of hours rather than being ignored in months.
I told everyone; “He’s never going to reply. He’s too busy. He’s not that interested.” I secretly wish that you’d prove me wrong. Please. Prove me wrong. I’m still waiting.
I wonder what car you drive; whether or not it’s as cluttered as mine; whether or not it smells like you. Heck, I don’t even know how you smell. I forgot the way you sound; or if it was you who bit their nails in that room then.
I didn’t notice the way you flip your bangs when it’s getting in the way. I wondered if you have an AUX cord or not: or what type of song/radio station you listen to.
I wonder if you’d smile when you see me again; with a set of brand new sight; because the last time you saw me, you and I both didn’t know what would happen. I passed you, and you kept on walking. I was sweating and tired, you were holding a box of papers in hand.
I wonder if where we’re going is far; I wonder how long the awkward silence would fill the car till I force myself to make conversations; or whether you’d try to do that first.
Too many questions and what ifs surround ourselves; surround this, whatever it is. The problem is, you’re silent. I wanted to scream but everyone else told me to be quiet. Because a girl has to have her dignity and let the guy make the first move. Doesn’t even matter that all I want to do is throw away my pride, and flirt again with you.
Maybe I didn’t like you that much; maybe I just realized that I prefer being ignored for a couple of hours rather than being ignored in months.
I told everyone; “He’s never going to reply. He’s too busy. He’s not that interested.” I secretly wish that you’d prove me wrong. Please. Prove me wrong. I’m still waiting.
08 12 2016
You you you you you you you
It’s all I keep thinking about
But this time it’s not clouded in sadness
It’s not surrounded in gloom
This time, my feelings flash red
I re-read everything
And I’m angry
Because the least that you can do is reply
Pick a topic
Don’t make me the sole carrier of this burden
I’m beginning to think that this is your normal
That that Thursday was a drunk - or a tired - version of you
Or maybe
You were just not that interested
You’re probably thinking, ‘there’s nothing to lose if i give this gal a lil hope’
You’re probably not thinking how i’m gonna react
And here i am
No longer sad
But extremely frustrated.
Thanks.
You can see where I started doubting my thoughts.
It’s all I keep thinking about
But this time it’s not clouded in sadness
It’s not surrounded in gloom
This time, my feelings flash red
I re-read everything
And I’m angry
Because the least that you can do is reply
Pick a topic
Don’t make me the sole carrier of this burden
I’m beginning to think that this is your normal
That that Thursday was a drunk - or a tired - version of you
Or maybe
You were just not that interested
You’re probably thinking, ‘there’s nothing to lose if i give this gal a lil hope’
You’re probably not thinking how i’m gonna react
And here i am
No longer sad
But extremely frustrated.
Thanks.
You can see where I started doubting my thoughts.
02 12 2016
it was time to give up.
she told me i needed someone who's not an overachiever
she told me i needed someone who can calm me down when i panic
she told me i needed someone who can explain everything logically
she basically told me the one i need is not you.
she said people in your line of work tend to not talk much;
that i would tire myself out because you probably wouldn't be able to explain something to me
that the reason you're doing this is either:
1. there's someone else occupying your mind
2. you're just not that interested
that getting to know each other should be fun, not stressful
and i'm starting to believe her.
or maybe i shouldn't?
she told me i needed someone who's not an overachiever
she told me i needed someone who can calm me down when i panic
she told me i needed someone who can explain everything logically
she basically told me the one i need is not you.
she said people in your line of work tend to not talk much;
that i would tire myself out because you probably wouldn't be able to explain something to me
that the reason you're doing this is either:
1. there's someone else occupying your mind
2. you're just not that interested
that getting to know each other should be fun, not stressful
and i'm starting to believe her.
or maybe i shouldn't?
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