it's in moments like these that i wish for numbness,
so i can care less about what you do
so i can be selfish
and let you feel guilty
but you probably won't
you probably didn't even blink or panicked when i texted last night
not the way it went in my head, i guess.
because you forgot
because i'm easily forgotten
i'm not that memorable, i guess.
i kept thinking,
what if i say goodbye now
would you remember me in a couple of years?
would my smile flash in your memory when you least expected it?
or probably, i would only be a dark smudge in your head
a faceless, nameless girl
another tick on your scoreboard.
but that's for later.
for now, i have to think of a response
a perfect response
one that shows that i'm unfazed
that this doesn't deter me much
that i don't feel anything
because i have to be selfless
i have to put others first
no matter how broken i feel
i have to put others first.
19 11 2016
Probably.
It's my new least favorite word.
You wanna know why?
Because you said you probably could fill your promise
Probably.
I read selectively when i saw that sentence.
I didn't realize that probably is the keyword there.
But never mind me, it's only been 10 minutes, and you still have 23 hours and 50 minutes to disappoint me.
I can't wait to see how broken my heart could get when the day is over.
It's my new least favorite word.
You wanna know why?
Because you said you probably could fill your promise
Probably.
I read selectively when i saw that sentence.
I didn't realize that probably is the keyword there.
But never mind me, it's only been 10 minutes, and you still have 23 hours and 50 minutes to disappoint me.
I can't wait to see how broken my heart could get when the day is over.
18 11 2016
It's 18 minutes to midnight.
18 minutes to the day you promised
But all i feel is disappointment
Because i thought i could trust you
I thought i could expect something else from you
But in the end it's back to this feeling again
Loneliness and rejection
The clock is ticking
I'm still hoping
And my faith is breaking apart piece by piece
Torn away by hands of indifference
I thought to myself
Maybe you're too tired and you overslept
Maybe the project is taking way longer than you expected
Or maybe, just maybe
You forgot.
Or you didn't care in the first place.
Or maybe you regret asking me.
Either way, it's now 14 minutes to midnight
And you're still not answering.
18 minutes to the day you promised
But all i feel is disappointment
Because i thought i could trust you
I thought i could expect something else from you
But in the end it's back to this feeling again
Loneliness and rejection
The clock is ticking
I'm still hoping
And my faith is breaking apart piece by piece
Torn away by hands of indifference
I thought to myself
Maybe you're too tired and you overslept
Maybe the project is taking way longer than you expected
Or maybe, just maybe
You forgot.
Or you didn't care in the first place.
Or maybe you regret asking me.
Either way, it's now 14 minutes to midnight
And you're still not answering.
to the moon and back?
i will never tell you that i love you to the moon and back
because the universe is too vast
because i believe in multiverse, or parallel universe, if you will.
and the way i feel encompasses all those universes, not simply to the moon and back.
because the universe is too vast
because i believe in multiverse, or parallel universe, if you will.
and the way i feel encompasses all those universes, not simply to the moon and back.
17 11 2016
last saturday i thought to myself
a week - that's how long i have to keep existing till i see you
and now that it's thursday
i dread the saturday
i fear it
and it made me anxious
which is surprising, since anxiety never really show up until i'm lonely
and i shouldn't feel lonely, should i?
i mean, now that you're here
you're possibly the cure to my anxiety
but still a possibility
that ranges from 0.1% to 99%
and now that it's thursday
i dread the saturday
because it's still too mysterious
where will we be
how will we get there
will you drive me back?
who will you be
because you're still a stranger in all senses that matters
but you don't feel like a stranger for my consciousness
the way i always wake up and check my phone to see if you say hi - to let me know i'm in your thoughts
but maybe that's just me
since i've never been like this
i can't exactly know if i'm simply living in my head
i don't exactly know if i'm simply infatuated
i don't exactly know if i'm simply in love with the idea of you
and i hate not knowing.
a week - that's how long i have to keep existing till i see you
and now that it's thursday
i dread the saturday
i fear it
and it made me anxious
which is surprising, since anxiety never really show up until i'm lonely
and i shouldn't feel lonely, should i?
i mean, now that you're here
you're possibly the cure to my anxiety
but still a possibility
that ranges from 0.1% to 99%
and now that it's thursday
i dread the saturday
because it's still too mysterious
where will we be
how will we get there
will you drive me back?
who will you be
because you're still a stranger in all senses that matters
but you don't feel like a stranger for my consciousness
the way i always wake up and check my phone to see if you say hi - to let me know i'm in your thoughts
but maybe that's just me
since i've never been like this
i can't exactly know if i'm simply living in my head
i don't exactly know if i'm simply infatuated
i don't exactly know if i'm simply in love with the idea of you
and i hate not knowing.
11 11 2016
i was insecure today, and it's okay.
doubt was crossing and turning and churning and spewing
and i started to analyze again
back at it again with analyzing
the process of playing back every moment every sentence every word
and seeing flaws in perfection, looking for evidence in crime scenes of my head
i was self conscious today, and it's okay.
she's so different than me, my head said
she's your polar opposite, my analysis shows
she's so pretty,
she's slimmer
his hands would fit in hers because her fingers aren't fat
his arms would encircle her waist perfectly because hers is smaller than mine
they spent years together getting to know each other each crevices each hollows each valleys
they were 'forever and ever' every night spilling their deepest darkest secret
and on and on and on and on and on
and i wonder how many 'and on' i can add before it gets too old.
what makes him crave me
what makes me crave him
what exactly is appealing about me, when i can't even see it myself
doubt was crossing and turning and churning and spewing
and i started to analyze again
back at it again with analyzing
the process of playing back every moment every sentence every word
and seeing flaws in perfection, looking for evidence in crime scenes of my head
i was self conscious today, and it's okay.
she's so pretty,
what makes him crave me
what makes me crave him
what exactly is appealing about me, when i can't even see it myself
perks of being my mate - according to myself over a year ago
I know what it feels like to be ignored and not noticed, so I would make it damn sure you never have to go through what I went through.
I will hug you as hard as I can when you're sad.
You can always reach me (as long as I'm not painting my nails lol)
I will try to cheer you up whenever you're down.
I wouldn't try to cage you, because I know people need their freedom
But I wouldn't let you fly to places I know will hurt you
I will complement your weaknesses and amplify your strength, as I hope you would mine.
I will cook for you, even though my cooking ability is very limited hahahaha
I will laugh at your jokes even though they're not funny
I would stay up late even though I have math test tomorrow and I haven't studied yet when I know you need me most.
When you can't sleep, I will read you bedtime stories and sing you lullabies
I will let you sleep on my thighs or my stomach because I know it's pretty fluffy hahahahaha
I wouldn't question your past when you ask me not to, even though it would eat me alive
I would apologize at my mistakes and forgive you for yours.
and lastly, I will wait for you, but please don't let me jump when you wouldn't want to catch me when I fall.
I will hug you as hard as I can when you're sad.
You can always reach me (as long as I'm not painting my nails lol)
I will try to cheer you up whenever you're down.
I wouldn't try to cage you, because I know people need their freedom
But I wouldn't let you fly to places I know will hurt you
I will complement your weaknesses and amplify your strength, as I hope you would mine.
I will cook for you, even though my cooking ability is very limited hahahaha
I will laugh at your jokes even though they're not funny
I would stay up late even though I have math test tomorrow and I haven't studied yet when I know you need me most.
When you can't sleep, I will read you bedtime stories and sing you lullabies
I will let you sleep on my thighs or my stomach because I know it's pretty fluffy hahahahaha
I wouldn't question your past when you ask me not to, even though it would eat me alive
I would apologize at my mistakes and forgive you for yours.
and lastly, I will wait for you, but please don't let me jump when you wouldn't want to catch me when I fall.
9 11 2016
I'm not ready.
I always thought it would be an easy yes - a sure answer I'll pronounce in a heartbeat
I always thought I wouldn't doubt it anymore
I'm not ready.
Call me impatient - but I can't think straight and I don't want to wait 2 more weeks
Call me an addict - but you're my personal brand of heroin, and I don't want to stop inhaling you in
I'm not ready.
I heard it all from faceless voices
How it hurts it's amazing it's nice it's the best
How it was fun it's profound until they broke apart
I'm not ready.
I can't face the fact that there will always be a chance i'll face the same situation
I can't wait to get rid of this, this harness of innocence
I'm too ready.
I spent each waking day reading and watching and listening and analyzing
I spent each breath researching and looking up things and finding
I'm too ready
In my head, different scenarios run around resulting in 1-2 possible outcomes
In my absence of busyness, the impossible becomes daydreams
I'm too ready
I speak and compose sentences and write poems and write comebacks
All leading towards the same unconscious goal - to sound not as inexperienced as i actually am
I'm not ready
To live life with no regrets
Not when i know the possibility is endless
Now until i know the possibility is endless - but limited to love.
4 11 2016
i fall too hard
too deep
too quick
and that's my weakness
you play it by ear
by letting it flow
by letting it go slow
and that's your power
you told me i'm a dominant
but whenever you're around
next to me
or in my head
or in my thoughts
i turn submissive
you told me you want to be 'my submissive guy'
but reality proves otherwise
i unknowingly give you the power
the power to control my mood even though you're far away
the power to make me smile whenever i see you reply; which comes in 5-6 hours interval
the power to turn me miserable whenever i see you're online; but don't reply
is it wrong to want to make you talk
is it wrong to want to know you better
is it wrong to try to understand what makes you live
because if it is
i'll stop
see, this is how fucked up i am
i hate not being able to do anything
i hate being powerless
i hate not being in control
and you're my catalyst.
too deep
too quick
and that's my weakness
you play it by ear
by letting it flow
by letting it go slow
and that's your power
you told me i'm a dominant
but whenever you're around
next to me
or in my head
or in my thoughts
i turn submissive
you told me you want to be 'my submissive guy'
but reality proves otherwise
i unknowingly give you the power
the power to control my mood even though you're far away
the power to make me smile whenever i see you reply; which comes in 5-6 hours interval
the power to turn me miserable whenever i see you're online; but don't reply
is it wrong to want to make you talk
is it wrong to want to know you better
is it wrong to try to understand what makes you live
because if it is
i'll stop
see, this is how fucked up i am
i hate not being able to do anything
i hate being powerless
i hate not being in control
and you're my catalyst.
3 11 2016
I keep thinking, what would happen if I said something different then?
What would happen if I didn't say that I need more than good luck?
Would you still flirt with me if I hadn't asked why you weren't there that night?
Would you still ask me out if I didn't say that I need you?
I should be elated
I should be excited
- which I am, don't get me wrong.
I just keep wondering what would happen if it didn't go like this
I just keep thinking about your motive.
Let's find out.
What would happen if I didn't say that I need more than good luck?
Would you still flirt with me if I hadn't asked why you weren't there that night?
Would you still ask me out if I didn't say that I need you?
I should be elated
I should be excited
- which I am, don't get me wrong.
I just keep wondering what would happen if it didn't go like this
I just keep thinking about your motive.
Let's find out.
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