15 12 2016
I’ve realized that I’m probably never going to forget you – I’ll keep on remembering for years to come, I’ll keep obsessing until I found the courage to let go, to remove all evidences that I thought I was enough for someone else. I’ll keep tabs on you, though. I’ll be checking to see if you feel sad the way I’m sad – or if you feel nothing at all.
And I’ll stop trying. I’ll stop going someplace and attending some events in the hopes I’ll see you. Because if fate is set in stone – we’ll see each other again. Whether it’ll be a forced smile and an awkward wave across hundreds of people, or a genuine laugh over a meal. I secretly hope for the latter – I’ve been through the former and it always brings tears to my eyes.
Oh, how I secretly wish that you treated me badly. Or done something that makes it perfectly okay for me to decide to move on. Because this? This is stupid.
And I’ll stop trying. I’ll stop going someplace and attending some events in the hopes I’ll see you. Because if fate is set in stone – we’ll see each other again. Whether it’ll be a forced smile and an awkward wave across hundreds of people, or a genuine laugh over a meal. I secretly hope for the latter – I’ve been through the former and it always brings tears to my eyes.
Oh, how I secretly wish that you treated me badly. Or done something that makes it perfectly okay for me to decide to move on. Because this? This is stupid.
13 12 2016
I stare at my phone for far too long, the screen showing your smile to the invisible object in to your left. It left me wondering, do you smile at random things on a daily basis? Or just because you know a friend is there with camera in hand?
I wonder what car you drive; whether or not it’s as cluttered as mine; whether or not it smells like you. Heck, I don’t even know how you smell. I forgot the way you sound; or if it was you who bit their nails in that room then.
I didn’t notice the way you flip your bangs when it’s getting in the way. I wondered if you have an AUX cord or not: or what type of song/radio station you listen to.
I wonder if you’d smile when you see me again; with a set of brand new sight; because the last time you saw me, you and I both didn’t know what would happen. I passed you, and you kept on walking. I was sweating and tired, you were holding a box of papers in hand.
I wonder if where we’re going is far; I wonder how long the awkward silence would fill the car till I force myself to make conversations; or whether you’d try to do that first.
Too many questions and what ifs surround ourselves; surround this, whatever it is. The problem is, you’re silent. I wanted to scream but everyone else told me to be quiet. Because a girl has to have her dignity and let the guy make the first move. Doesn’t even matter that all I want to do is throw away my pride, and flirt again with you.
Maybe I didn’t like you that much; maybe I just realized that I prefer being ignored for a couple of hours rather than being ignored in months.
I told everyone; “He’s never going to reply. He’s too busy. He’s not that interested.” I secretly wish that you’d prove me wrong. Please. Prove me wrong. I’m still waiting.
I wonder what car you drive; whether or not it’s as cluttered as mine; whether or not it smells like you. Heck, I don’t even know how you smell. I forgot the way you sound; or if it was you who bit their nails in that room then.
I didn’t notice the way you flip your bangs when it’s getting in the way. I wondered if you have an AUX cord or not: or what type of song/radio station you listen to.
I wonder if you’d smile when you see me again; with a set of brand new sight; because the last time you saw me, you and I both didn’t know what would happen. I passed you, and you kept on walking. I was sweating and tired, you were holding a box of papers in hand.
I wonder if where we’re going is far; I wonder how long the awkward silence would fill the car till I force myself to make conversations; or whether you’d try to do that first.
Too many questions and what ifs surround ourselves; surround this, whatever it is. The problem is, you’re silent. I wanted to scream but everyone else told me to be quiet. Because a girl has to have her dignity and let the guy make the first move. Doesn’t even matter that all I want to do is throw away my pride, and flirt again with you.
Maybe I didn’t like you that much; maybe I just realized that I prefer being ignored for a couple of hours rather than being ignored in months.
I told everyone; “He’s never going to reply. He’s too busy. He’s not that interested.” I secretly wish that you’d prove me wrong. Please. Prove me wrong. I’m still waiting.
08 12 2016
You you you you you you you
It’s all I keep thinking about
But this time it’s not clouded in sadness
It’s not surrounded in gloom
This time, my feelings flash red
I re-read everything
And I’m angry
Because the least that you can do is reply
Pick a topic
Don’t make me the sole carrier of this burden
I’m beginning to think that this is your normal
That that Thursday was a drunk - or a tired - version of you
Or maybe
You were just not that interested
You’re probably thinking, ‘there’s nothing to lose if i give this gal a lil hope’
You’re probably not thinking how i’m gonna react
And here i am
No longer sad
But extremely frustrated.
Thanks.
You can see where I started doubting my thoughts.
It’s all I keep thinking about
But this time it’s not clouded in sadness
It’s not surrounded in gloom
This time, my feelings flash red
I re-read everything
And I’m angry
Because the least that you can do is reply
Pick a topic
Don’t make me the sole carrier of this burden
I’m beginning to think that this is your normal
That that Thursday was a drunk - or a tired - version of you
Or maybe
You were just not that interested
You’re probably thinking, ‘there’s nothing to lose if i give this gal a lil hope’
You’re probably not thinking how i’m gonna react
And here i am
No longer sad
But extremely frustrated.
Thanks.
You can see where I started doubting my thoughts.
02 12 2016
it was time to give up.
she told me i needed someone who's not an overachiever
she told me i needed someone who can calm me down when i panic
she told me i needed someone who can explain everything logically
she basically told me the one i need is not you.
she said people in your line of work tend to not talk much;
that i would tire myself out because you probably wouldn't be able to explain something to me
that the reason you're doing this is either:
1. there's someone else occupying your mind
2. you're just not that interested
that getting to know each other should be fun, not stressful
and i'm starting to believe her.
or maybe i shouldn't?
she told me i needed someone who's not an overachiever
she told me i needed someone who can calm me down when i panic
she told me i needed someone who can explain everything logically
she basically told me the one i need is not you.
she said people in your line of work tend to not talk much;
that i would tire myself out because you probably wouldn't be able to explain something to me
that the reason you're doing this is either:
1. there's someone else occupying your mind
2. you're just not that interested
that getting to know each other should be fun, not stressful
and i'm starting to believe her.
or maybe i shouldn't?
01 12 2016
Waiting for you felt a lot like walking in the woods
Everything is fine and beautiful
Until I decide to torture myself
Until I decide to turn onto a familiar road
When it's all about finding uncharted territores.
Waiting for you felt a lot like trying to fly
The stars are all aligned
Until the moment to jump looms
Until I forgot that it's time to let go
When it's all about losing myself to the sky
Waiting for you felt a lot like swimming
The waves and currents are against me
Until I remember I need to survive
Until I forgot that you're supposed to swim with the current
When it's all about survining, not trying to win.
Everything is fine and beautiful
Until I decide to torture myself
Until I decide to turn onto a familiar road
When it's all about finding uncharted territores.
Waiting for you felt a lot like trying to fly
The stars are all aligned
Until the moment to jump looms
Until I forgot that it's time to let go
When it's all about losing myself to the sky
Waiting for you felt a lot like swimming
The waves and currents are against me
Until I remember I need to survive
Until I forgot that you're supposed to swim with the current
When it's all about survining, not trying to win.
28 11 2016
i finally came to the realization.
it took me a month
it took me nothing but a sudden self questioning;
"where did i went wrong?"
"what did i do?"
it was never the question of you;
"what did you think of my message?"
"how did that made you feel?"
because i know nothing of what goes in your head, never mind your heart.
so where did i went wrong?
i went wrong the minute i decided to be myself.
i kept on badgering questions after questions
i showed my card
i became myself
and that's where i went wrong
of course you wouldn't like me chasing after you
you're probably used to be the one chasing
as do every other guy in the planet
of course you didn't reply me for hours
you're probably annoyed of me
trying to keep the conversations alive
even when the signs of rot and death is there
of course you're not into me
you're probably shaking your head thinking
'damn why is this girl so desperate'
and i can't blame you
because i see all my flaws and my mistakes
and all i can do now
is hope that i learned my lesson
to not be myself anymore
since that's what's gotten myself into trouble
but then again
why am i making this about myself?
it's supposed to be about you
but i don't know what's going on in your head
and i know all to well what's going on in mine.
it took me a month
it took me nothing but a sudden self questioning;
"where did i went wrong?"
"what did i do?"
it was never the question of you;
"what did you think of my message?"
"how did that made you feel?"
because i know nothing of what goes in your head, never mind your heart.
so where did i went wrong?
i went wrong the minute i decided to be myself.
i kept on badgering questions after questions
i showed my card
i became myself
and that's where i went wrong
of course you wouldn't like me chasing after you
you're probably used to be the one chasing
as do every other guy in the planet
of course you didn't reply me for hours
you're probably annoyed of me
trying to keep the conversations alive
even when the signs of rot and death is there
of course you're not into me
you're probably shaking your head thinking
'damn why is this girl so desperate'
and i can't blame you
because i see all my flaws and my mistakes
and all i can do now
is hope that i learned my lesson
to not be myself anymore
since that's what's gotten myself into trouble
but then again
why am i making this about myself?
it's supposed to be about you
but i don't know what's going on in your head
and i know all to well what's going on in mine.
19 11 2016 - 3
i understand.
the beauty of having someone else understanding you.
'I have to work for another week,' you said as tears fell down my cheeks.
i understand.
'It's extended. New module coming up.' you said as i wish you'd say more.
i understand.
oh, how i wish your friends would knock some sense into you
'damn it don't you see she's hurting'
'what the fuck did you do, you're ruining your chances'
'she's too nice for you, you shouldn't do that to her'
but maybe,
you never tell your friends about me
because i'm insignificant
i'm nobody
and nobody cares about how i feel
nobody cares about how disappointment would be a knife twisting through my heart
because i'm insignificant.
and i have to understand
but nobody has to understand me
the beauty of having someone else understanding you.
'I have to work for another week,' you said as tears fell down my cheeks.
i understand.
'It's extended. New module coming up.' you said as i wish you'd say more.
i understand.
oh, how i wish your friends would knock some sense into you
'damn it don't you see she's hurting'
'what the fuck did you do, you're ruining your chances'
'she's too nice for you, you shouldn't do that to her'
but maybe,
you never tell your friends about me
because i'm insignificant
i'm nobody
and nobody cares about how i feel
nobody cares about how disappointment would be a knife twisting through my heart
because i'm insignificant.
and i have to understand
but nobody has to understand me
19 11 2016 - 2
it's in moments like these that i wish for numbness,
so i can care less about what you do
so i can be selfish
and let you feel guilty
but you probably won't
you probably didn't even blink or panicked when i texted last night
not the way it went in my head, i guess.
because you forgot
because i'm easily forgotten
i'm not that memorable, i guess.
i kept thinking,
what if i say goodbye now
would you remember me in a couple of years?
would my smile flash in your memory when you least expected it?
or probably, i would only be a dark smudge in your head
a faceless, nameless girl
another tick on your scoreboard.
but that's for later.
for now, i have to think of a response
a perfect response
one that shows that i'm unfazed
that this doesn't deter me much
that i don't feel anything
because i have to be selfless
i have to put others first
no matter how broken i feel
i have to put others first.
so i can care less about what you do
so i can be selfish
and let you feel guilty
but you probably won't
you probably didn't even blink or panicked when i texted last night
not the way it went in my head, i guess.
because you forgot
because i'm easily forgotten
i'm not that memorable, i guess.
i kept thinking,
what if i say goodbye now
would you remember me in a couple of years?
would my smile flash in your memory when you least expected it?
or probably, i would only be a dark smudge in your head
a faceless, nameless girl
another tick on your scoreboard.
but that's for later.
for now, i have to think of a response
a perfect response
one that shows that i'm unfazed
that this doesn't deter me much
that i don't feel anything
because i have to be selfless
i have to put others first
no matter how broken i feel
i have to put others first.
19 11 2016
Probably.
It's my new least favorite word.
You wanna know why?
Because you said you probably could fill your promise
Probably.
I read selectively when i saw that sentence.
I didn't realize that probably is the keyword there.
But never mind me, it's only been 10 minutes, and you still have 23 hours and 50 minutes to disappoint me.
I can't wait to see how broken my heart could get when the day is over.
It's my new least favorite word.
You wanna know why?
Because you said you probably could fill your promise
Probably.
I read selectively when i saw that sentence.
I didn't realize that probably is the keyword there.
But never mind me, it's only been 10 minutes, and you still have 23 hours and 50 minutes to disappoint me.
I can't wait to see how broken my heart could get when the day is over.
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