Waiting for you felt a lot like walking in the woods
Everything is fine and beautiful
Until I decide to torture myself
Until I decide to turn onto a familiar road
When it's all about finding uncharted territores.
Waiting for you felt a lot like trying to fly
The stars are all aligned
Until the moment to jump looms
Until I forgot that it's time to let go
When it's all about losing myself to the sky
Waiting for you felt a lot like swimming
The waves and currents are against me
Until I remember I need to survive
Until I forgot that you're supposed to swim with the current
When it's all about survining, not trying to win.
28 11 2016
i finally came to the realization.
it took me a month
it took me nothing but a sudden self questioning;
"where did i went wrong?"
"what did i do?"
it was never the question of you;
"what did you think of my message?"
"how did that made you feel?"
because i know nothing of what goes in your head, never mind your heart.
so where did i went wrong?
i went wrong the minute i decided to be myself.
i kept on badgering questions after questions
i showed my card
i became myself
and that's where i went wrong
of course you wouldn't like me chasing after you
you're probably used to be the one chasing
as do every other guy in the planet
of course you didn't reply me for hours
you're probably annoyed of me
trying to keep the conversations alive
even when the signs of rot and death is there
of course you're not into me
you're probably shaking your head thinking
'damn why is this girl so desperate'
and i can't blame you
because i see all my flaws and my mistakes
and all i can do now
is hope that i learned my lesson
to not be myself anymore
since that's what's gotten myself into trouble
but then again
why am i making this about myself?
it's supposed to be about you
but i don't know what's going on in your head
and i know all to well what's going on in mine.
it took me a month
it took me nothing but a sudden self questioning;
"where did i went wrong?"
"what did i do?"
it was never the question of you;
"what did you think of my message?"
"how did that made you feel?"
because i know nothing of what goes in your head, never mind your heart.
so where did i went wrong?
i went wrong the minute i decided to be myself.
i kept on badgering questions after questions
i showed my card
i became myself
and that's where i went wrong
of course you wouldn't like me chasing after you
you're probably used to be the one chasing
as do every other guy in the planet
of course you didn't reply me for hours
you're probably annoyed of me
trying to keep the conversations alive
even when the signs of rot and death is there
of course you're not into me
you're probably shaking your head thinking
'damn why is this girl so desperate'
and i can't blame you
because i see all my flaws and my mistakes
and all i can do now
is hope that i learned my lesson
to not be myself anymore
since that's what's gotten myself into trouble
but then again
why am i making this about myself?
it's supposed to be about you
but i don't know what's going on in your head
and i know all to well what's going on in mine.
19 11 2016 - 3
i understand.
the beauty of having someone else understanding you.
'I have to work for another week,' you said as tears fell down my cheeks.
i understand.
'It's extended. New module coming up.' you said as i wish you'd say more.
i understand.
oh, how i wish your friends would knock some sense into you
'damn it don't you see she's hurting'
'what the fuck did you do, you're ruining your chances'
'she's too nice for you, you shouldn't do that to her'
but maybe,
you never tell your friends about me
because i'm insignificant
i'm nobody
and nobody cares about how i feel
nobody cares about how disappointment would be a knife twisting through my heart
because i'm insignificant.
and i have to understand
but nobody has to understand me
the beauty of having someone else understanding you.
'I have to work for another week,' you said as tears fell down my cheeks.
i understand.
'It's extended. New module coming up.' you said as i wish you'd say more.
i understand.
oh, how i wish your friends would knock some sense into you
'damn it don't you see she's hurting'
'what the fuck did you do, you're ruining your chances'
'she's too nice for you, you shouldn't do that to her'
but maybe,
you never tell your friends about me
because i'm insignificant
i'm nobody
and nobody cares about how i feel
nobody cares about how disappointment would be a knife twisting through my heart
because i'm insignificant.
and i have to understand
but nobody has to understand me
19 11 2016 - 2
it's in moments like these that i wish for numbness,
so i can care less about what you do
so i can be selfish
and let you feel guilty
but you probably won't
you probably didn't even blink or panicked when i texted last night
not the way it went in my head, i guess.
because you forgot
because i'm easily forgotten
i'm not that memorable, i guess.
i kept thinking,
what if i say goodbye now
would you remember me in a couple of years?
would my smile flash in your memory when you least expected it?
or probably, i would only be a dark smudge in your head
a faceless, nameless girl
another tick on your scoreboard.
but that's for later.
for now, i have to think of a response
a perfect response
one that shows that i'm unfazed
that this doesn't deter me much
that i don't feel anything
because i have to be selfless
i have to put others first
no matter how broken i feel
i have to put others first.
so i can care less about what you do
so i can be selfish
and let you feel guilty
but you probably won't
you probably didn't even blink or panicked when i texted last night
not the way it went in my head, i guess.
because you forgot
because i'm easily forgotten
i'm not that memorable, i guess.
i kept thinking,
what if i say goodbye now
would you remember me in a couple of years?
would my smile flash in your memory when you least expected it?
or probably, i would only be a dark smudge in your head
a faceless, nameless girl
another tick on your scoreboard.
but that's for later.
for now, i have to think of a response
a perfect response
one that shows that i'm unfazed
that this doesn't deter me much
that i don't feel anything
because i have to be selfless
i have to put others first
no matter how broken i feel
i have to put others first.
19 11 2016
Probably.
It's my new least favorite word.
You wanna know why?
Because you said you probably could fill your promise
Probably.
I read selectively when i saw that sentence.
I didn't realize that probably is the keyword there.
But never mind me, it's only been 10 minutes, and you still have 23 hours and 50 minutes to disappoint me.
I can't wait to see how broken my heart could get when the day is over.
It's my new least favorite word.
You wanna know why?
Because you said you probably could fill your promise
Probably.
I read selectively when i saw that sentence.
I didn't realize that probably is the keyword there.
But never mind me, it's only been 10 minutes, and you still have 23 hours and 50 minutes to disappoint me.
I can't wait to see how broken my heart could get when the day is over.
18 11 2016
It's 18 minutes to midnight.
18 minutes to the day you promised
But all i feel is disappointment
Because i thought i could trust you
I thought i could expect something else from you
But in the end it's back to this feeling again
Loneliness and rejection
The clock is ticking
I'm still hoping
And my faith is breaking apart piece by piece
Torn away by hands of indifference
I thought to myself
Maybe you're too tired and you overslept
Maybe the project is taking way longer than you expected
Or maybe, just maybe
You forgot.
Or you didn't care in the first place.
Or maybe you regret asking me.
Either way, it's now 14 minutes to midnight
And you're still not answering.
18 minutes to the day you promised
But all i feel is disappointment
Because i thought i could trust you
I thought i could expect something else from you
But in the end it's back to this feeling again
Loneliness and rejection
The clock is ticking
I'm still hoping
And my faith is breaking apart piece by piece
Torn away by hands of indifference
I thought to myself
Maybe you're too tired and you overslept
Maybe the project is taking way longer than you expected
Or maybe, just maybe
You forgot.
Or you didn't care in the first place.
Or maybe you regret asking me.
Either way, it's now 14 minutes to midnight
And you're still not answering.
to the moon and back?
i will never tell you that i love you to the moon and back
because the universe is too vast
because i believe in multiverse, or parallel universe, if you will.
and the way i feel encompasses all those universes, not simply to the moon and back.
because the universe is too vast
because i believe in multiverse, or parallel universe, if you will.
and the way i feel encompasses all those universes, not simply to the moon and back.
17 11 2016
last saturday i thought to myself
a week - that's how long i have to keep existing till i see you
and now that it's thursday
i dread the saturday
i fear it
and it made me anxious
which is surprising, since anxiety never really show up until i'm lonely
and i shouldn't feel lonely, should i?
i mean, now that you're here
you're possibly the cure to my anxiety
but still a possibility
that ranges from 0.1% to 99%
and now that it's thursday
i dread the saturday
because it's still too mysterious
where will we be
how will we get there
will you drive me back?
who will you be
because you're still a stranger in all senses that matters
but you don't feel like a stranger for my consciousness
the way i always wake up and check my phone to see if you say hi - to let me know i'm in your thoughts
but maybe that's just me
since i've never been like this
i can't exactly know if i'm simply living in my head
i don't exactly know if i'm simply infatuated
i don't exactly know if i'm simply in love with the idea of you
and i hate not knowing.
a week - that's how long i have to keep existing till i see you
and now that it's thursday
i dread the saturday
i fear it
and it made me anxious
which is surprising, since anxiety never really show up until i'm lonely
and i shouldn't feel lonely, should i?
i mean, now that you're here
you're possibly the cure to my anxiety
but still a possibility
that ranges from 0.1% to 99%
and now that it's thursday
i dread the saturday
because it's still too mysterious
where will we be
how will we get there
will you drive me back?
who will you be
because you're still a stranger in all senses that matters
but you don't feel like a stranger for my consciousness
the way i always wake up and check my phone to see if you say hi - to let me know i'm in your thoughts
but maybe that's just me
since i've never been like this
i can't exactly know if i'm simply living in my head
i don't exactly know if i'm simply infatuated
i don't exactly know if i'm simply in love with the idea of you
and i hate not knowing.
11 11 2016
i was insecure today, and it's okay.
doubt was crossing and turning and churning and spewing
and i started to analyze again
back at it again with analyzing
the process of playing back every moment every sentence every word
and seeing flaws in perfection, looking for evidence in crime scenes of my head
i was self conscious today, and it's okay.
she's so different than me, my head said
she's your polar opposite, my analysis shows
she's so pretty,
she's slimmer
his hands would fit in hers because her fingers aren't fat
his arms would encircle her waist perfectly because hers is smaller than mine
they spent years together getting to know each other each crevices each hollows each valleys
they were 'forever and ever' every night spilling their deepest darkest secret
and on and on and on and on and on
and i wonder how many 'and on' i can add before it gets too old.
what makes him crave me
what makes me crave him
what exactly is appealing about me, when i can't even see it myself
doubt was crossing and turning and churning and spewing
and i started to analyze again
back at it again with analyzing
the process of playing back every moment every sentence every word
and seeing flaws in perfection, looking for evidence in crime scenes of my head
i was self conscious today, and it's okay.
she's so pretty,
what makes him crave me
what makes me crave him
what exactly is appealing about me, when i can't even see it myself
perks of being my mate - according to myself over a year ago
I know what it feels like to be ignored and not noticed, so I would make it damn sure you never have to go through what I went through.
I will hug you as hard as I can when you're sad.
You can always reach me (as long as I'm not painting my nails lol)
I will try to cheer you up whenever you're down.
I wouldn't try to cage you, because I know people need their freedom
But I wouldn't let you fly to places I know will hurt you
I will complement your weaknesses and amplify your strength, as I hope you would mine.
I will cook for you, even though my cooking ability is very limited hahahaha
I will laugh at your jokes even though they're not funny
I would stay up late even though I have math test tomorrow and I haven't studied yet when I know you need me most.
When you can't sleep, I will read you bedtime stories and sing you lullabies
I will let you sleep on my thighs or my stomach because I know it's pretty fluffy hahahahaha
I wouldn't question your past when you ask me not to, even though it would eat me alive
I would apologize at my mistakes and forgive you for yours.
and lastly, I will wait for you, but please don't let me jump when you wouldn't want to catch me when I fall.
I will hug you as hard as I can when you're sad.
You can always reach me (as long as I'm not painting my nails lol)
I will try to cheer you up whenever you're down.
I wouldn't try to cage you, because I know people need their freedom
But I wouldn't let you fly to places I know will hurt you
I will complement your weaknesses and amplify your strength, as I hope you would mine.
I will cook for you, even though my cooking ability is very limited hahahaha
I will laugh at your jokes even though they're not funny
I would stay up late even though I have math test tomorrow and I haven't studied yet when I know you need me most.
When you can't sleep, I will read you bedtime stories and sing you lullabies
I will let you sleep on my thighs or my stomach because I know it's pretty fluffy hahahahaha
I wouldn't question your past when you ask me not to, even though it would eat me alive
I would apologize at my mistakes and forgive you for yours.
and lastly, I will wait for you, but please don't let me jump when you wouldn't want to catch me when I fall.
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