It's 18 minutes to midnight.
18 minutes to the day you promised
But all i feel is disappointment
Because i thought i could trust you
I thought i could expect something else from you
But in the end it's back to this feeling again
Loneliness and rejection
The clock is ticking
I'm still hoping
And my faith is breaking apart piece by piece
Torn away by hands of indifference
I thought to myself
Maybe you're too tired and you overslept
Maybe the project is taking way longer than you expected
Or maybe, just maybe
You forgot.
Or you didn't care in the first place.
Or maybe you regret asking me.
Either way, it's now 14 minutes to midnight
And you're still not answering.
to the moon and back?
i will never tell you that i love you to the moon and back
because the universe is too vast
because i believe in multiverse, or parallel universe, if you will.
and the way i feel encompasses all those universes, not simply to the moon and back.
because the universe is too vast
because i believe in multiverse, or parallel universe, if you will.
and the way i feel encompasses all those universes, not simply to the moon and back.
17 11 2016
last saturday i thought to myself
a week - that's how long i have to keep existing till i see you
and now that it's thursday
i dread the saturday
i fear it
and it made me anxious
which is surprising, since anxiety never really show up until i'm lonely
and i shouldn't feel lonely, should i?
i mean, now that you're here
you're possibly the cure to my anxiety
but still a possibility
that ranges from 0.1% to 99%
and now that it's thursday
i dread the saturday
because it's still too mysterious
where will we be
how will we get there
will you drive me back?
who will you be
because you're still a stranger in all senses that matters
but you don't feel like a stranger for my consciousness
the way i always wake up and check my phone to see if you say hi - to let me know i'm in your thoughts
but maybe that's just me
since i've never been like this
i can't exactly know if i'm simply living in my head
i don't exactly know if i'm simply infatuated
i don't exactly know if i'm simply in love with the idea of you
and i hate not knowing.
a week - that's how long i have to keep existing till i see you
and now that it's thursday
i dread the saturday
i fear it
and it made me anxious
which is surprising, since anxiety never really show up until i'm lonely
and i shouldn't feel lonely, should i?
i mean, now that you're here
you're possibly the cure to my anxiety
but still a possibility
that ranges from 0.1% to 99%
and now that it's thursday
i dread the saturday
because it's still too mysterious
where will we be
how will we get there
will you drive me back?
who will you be
because you're still a stranger in all senses that matters
but you don't feel like a stranger for my consciousness
the way i always wake up and check my phone to see if you say hi - to let me know i'm in your thoughts
but maybe that's just me
since i've never been like this
i can't exactly know if i'm simply living in my head
i don't exactly know if i'm simply infatuated
i don't exactly know if i'm simply in love with the idea of you
and i hate not knowing.
11 11 2016
i was insecure today, and it's okay.
doubt was crossing and turning and churning and spewing
and i started to analyze again
back at it again with analyzing
the process of playing back every moment every sentence every word
and seeing flaws in perfection, looking for evidence in crime scenes of my head
i was self conscious today, and it's okay.
she's so different than me, my head said
she's your polar opposite, my analysis shows
she's so pretty,
she's slimmer
his hands would fit in hers because her fingers aren't fat
his arms would encircle her waist perfectly because hers is smaller than mine
they spent years together getting to know each other each crevices each hollows each valleys
they were 'forever and ever' every night spilling their deepest darkest secret
and on and on and on and on and on
and i wonder how many 'and on' i can add before it gets too old.
what makes him crave me
what makes me crave him
what exactly is appealing about me, when i can't even see it myself
doubt was crossing and turning and churning and spewing
and i started to analyze again
back at it again with analyzing
the process of playing back every moment every sentence every word
and seeing flaws in perfection, looking for evidence in crime scenes of my head
i was self conscious today, and it's okay.
she's so pretty,
what makes him crave me
what makes me crave him
what exactly is appealing about me, when i can't even see it myself
perks of being my mate - according to myself over a year ago
I know what it feels like to be ignored and not noticed, so I would make it damn sure you never have to go through what I went through.
I will hug you as hard as I can when you're sad.
You can always reach me (as long as I'm not painting my nails lol)
I will try to cheer you up whenever you're down.
I wouldn't try to cage you, because I know people need their freedom
But I wouldn't let you fly to places I know will hurt you
I will complement your weaknesses and amplify your strength, as I hope you would mine.
I will cook for you, even though my cooking ability is very limited hahahaha
I will laugh at your jokes even though they're not funny
I would stay up late even though I have math test tomorrow and I haven't studied yet when I know you need me most.
When you can't sleep, I will read you bedtime stories and sing you lullabies
I will let you sleep on my thighs or my stomach because I know it's pretty fluffy hahahahaha
I wouldn't question your past when you ask me not to, even though it would eat me alive
I would apologize at my mistakes and forgive you for yours.
and lastly, I will wait for you, but please don't let me jump when you wouldn't want to catch me when I fall.
I will hug you as hard as I can when you're sad.
You can always reach me (as long as I'm not painting my nails lol)
I will try to cheer you up whenever you're down.
I wouldn't try to cage you, because I know people need their freedom
But I wouldn't let you fly to places I know will hurt you
I will complement your weaknesses and amplify your strength, as I hope you would mine.
I will cook for you, even though my cooking ability is very limited hahahaha
I will laugh at your jokes even though they're not funny
I would stay up late even though I have math test tomorrow and I haven't studied yet when I know you need me most.
When you can't sleep, I will read you bedtime stories and sing you lullabies
I will let you sleep on my thighs or my stomach because I know it's pretty fluffy hahahahaha
I wouldn't question your past when you ask me not to, even though it would eat me alive
I would apologize at my mistakes and forgive you for yours.
and lastly, I will wait for you, but please don't let me jump when you wouldn't want to catch me when I fall.
9 11 2016
I'm not ready.
I always thought it would be an easy yes - a sure answer I'll pronounce in a heartbeat
I always thought I wouldn't doubt it anymore
I'm not ready.
Call me impatient - but I can't think straight and I don't want to wait 2 more weeks
Call me an addict - but you're my personal brand of heroin, and I don't want to stop inhaling you in
I'm not ready.
I heard it all from faceless voices
How it hurts it's amazing it's nice it's the best
How it was fun it's profound until they broke apart
I'm not ready.
I can't face the fact that there will always be a chance i'll face the same situation
I can't wait to get rid of this, this harness of innocence
I'm too ready.
I spent each waking day reading and watching and listening and analyzing
I spent each breath researching and looking up things and finding
I'm too ready
In my head, different scenarios run around resulting in 1-2 possible outcomes
In my absence of busyness, the impossible becomes daydreams
I'm too ready
I speak and compose sentences and write poems and write comebacks
All leading towards the same unconscious goal - to sound not as inexperienced as i actually am
I'm not ready
To live life with no regrets
Not when i know the possibility is endless
Now until i know the possibility is endless - but limited to love.
4 11 2016
i fall too hard
too deep
too quick
and that's my weakness
you play it by ear
by letting it flow
by letting it go slow
and that's your power
you told me i'm a dominant
but whenever you're around
next to me
or in my head
or in my thoughts
i turn submissive
you told me you want to be 'my submissive guy'
but reality proves otherwise
i unknowingly give you the power
the power to control my mood even though you're far away
the power to make me smile whenever i see you reply; which comes in 5-6 hours interval
the power to turn me miserable whenever i see you're online; but don't reply
is it wrong to want to make you talk
is it wrong to want to know you better
is it wrong to try to understand what makes you live
because if it is
i'll stop
see, this is how fucked up i am
i hate not being able to do anything
i hate being powerless
i hate not being in control
and you're my catalyst.
too deep
too quick
and that's my weakness
you play it by ear
by letting it flow
by letting it go slow
and that's your power
you told me i'm a dominant
but whenever you're around
next to me
or in my head
or in my thoughts
i turn submissive
you told me you want to be 'my submissive guy'
but reality proves otherwise
i unknowingly give you the power
the power to control my mood even though you're far away
the power to make me smile whenever i see you reply; which comes in 5-6 hours interval
the power to turn me miserable whenever i see you're online; but don't reply
is it wrong to want to make you talk
is it wrong to want to know you better
is it wrong to try to understand what makes you live
because if it is
i'll stop
see, this is how fucked up i am
i hate not being able to do anything
i hate being powerless
i hate not being in control
and you're my catalyst.
3 11 2016
I keep thinking, what would happen if I said something different then?
What would happen if I didn't say that I need more than good luck?
Would you still flirt with me if I hadn't asked why you weren't there that night?
Would you still ask me out if I didn't say that I need you?
I should be elated
I should be excited
- which I am, don't get me wrong.
I just keep wondering what would happen if it didn't go like this
I just keep thinking about your motive.
Let's find out.
What would happen if I didn't say that I need more than good luck?
Would you still flirt with me if I hadn't asked why you weren't there that night?
Would you still ask me out if I didn't say that I need you?
I should be elated
I should be excited
- which I am, don't get me wrong.
I just keep wondering what would happen if it didn't go like this
I just keep thinking about your motive.
Let's find out.
31 10 2016
i'm supposed to be moving on but i failed today.
i thought about you when i was forgetting everything else
i whispered your name when i was in throes of fantasies
i ran through so many scenarios of us, kissing, whispering, making innuendos and laughing at how silly it was, yet marveling at how we're craving each other.
none of it explains how i'm supposed to win you back
it could be a phone call - a fake drunk dial - except i don't drink myself drunk
it could be a staged accidental meeting - except i don't know when or where you'll be.
i theorized everything
how you haven't moved on
how i offended you when i said you're too busy
how you only needed a one night stand and once you realized i'm a virgin then you backed off
how you realized i'm not what you like
how you realized that i'm just a sad fat girl who has no experience or the skill to carry a conversation for more than an hour; or how selfish i am.
i learned to not regret; to not wishing i could turn back time.
today i failed. i wished i was back to that sunday
i wished i was back in the room with you, where i could've at least try to converse with you.
i wished i was back to that night, where i could've crashed in your room and pretend to be drunk that night.
i kept imagining how i'm supposed to collect what you said you'd do - to volunteer.
and i just checked the evidence - to make sure i'm using the right word for the sentence above
and i smiled
and i hate that i smiled
because i realized that i smiled
and i hate knowing that that would probably never happen again.
see the use of probably? i've not moved on. i still wish on a 'probably'. i still wish you're thinking about me the way i'm neurotic thinking about you.
but wishing is not moving on. and that's why i failed today.
and that's why i needed to see if tomorrow - or next month - i'll feel differently than i do now.
i thought about you when i was forgetting everything else
i whispered your name when i was in throes of fantasies
i ran through so many scenarios of us, kissing, whispering, making innuendos and laughing at how silly it was, yet marveling at how we're craving each other.
none of it explains how i'm supposed to win you back
it could be a phone call - a fake drunk dial - except i don't drink myself drunk
it could be a staged accidental meeting - except i don't know when or where you'll be.
i theorized everything
how you haven't moved on
how i offended you when i said you're too busy
how you only needed a one night stand and once you realized i'm a virgin then you backed off
how you realized i'm not what you like
how you realized that i'm just a sad fat girl who has no experience or the skill to carry a conversation for more than an hour; or how selfish i am.
i learned to not regret; to not wishing i could turn back time.
today i failed. i wished i was back to that sunday
i wished i was back in the room with you, where i could've at least try to converse with you.
i wished i was back to that night, where i could've crashed in your room and pretend to be drunk that night.
i kept imagining how i'm supposed to collect what you said you'd do - to volunteer.
and i just checked the evidence - to make sure i'm using the right word for the sentence above
and i smiled
and i hate that i smiled
because i realized that i smiled
and i hate knowing that that would probably never happen again.
see the use of probably? i've not moved on. i still wish on a 'probably'. i still wish you're thinking about me the way i'm neurotic thinking about you.
but wishing is not moving on. and that's why i failed today.
and that's why i needed to see if tomorrow - or next month - i'll feel differently than i do now.
19 10 2016
It was the 4th or 5th night - I can't bring myself to remember. Nor can I find the courage to open the conversations again, knowing those numbers would be there to haunt me. Knowing I was being ignored.
It was the 4th or 5th night - when I started feeling miserable. I thought life was supposed to be sunshine and daisies the moment you clicked with somebody else. Or maybe it's just a placebo?
It was the 4th or 5th night - finally realizing how unstable I am. How my mood swings whichever direction he pulls me into. A word and I'm flying through the roof, silence and I'm back again with my old friend.
It was the 4th or 5th night - I lose track of time. At times I wish he would say goodbye, then at least I know it's over. But he didn't. And I'm grateful for that, since I would probably be back into another round of depression.
It was the 4th or 5th night - I wish he'd explain. Or at least let me ask. It was so easy for us that night, but now I'm back to calculating my every word. The way I used to do before that night.
It's now the 7th night - the whole week. I thought we would've teased each other mercilessly by now, I thought you would've learned to make time to see my messages. I thought I would be smiling like crazy every time my phone pings. But that's the thing, I only thought. I forced myself to think about what to type, and you chose to ignore me. I'm now back to being a zombie - frowning every time my phone pings, knowing it's not you. Knowing it might never be you anymore.
It was the 4th or 5th night - when I started feeling miserable. I thought life was supposed to be sunshine and daisies the moment you clicked with somebody else. Or maybe it's just a placebo?
It was the 4th or 5th night - finally realizing how unstable I am. How my mood swings whichever direction he pulls me into. A word and I'm flying through the roof, silence and I'm back again with my old friend.
It was the 4th or 5th night - I lose track of time. At times I wish he would say goodbye, then at least I know it's over. But he didn't. And I'm grateful for that, since I would probably be back into another round of depression.
It was the 4th or 5th night - I wish he'd explain. Or at least let me ask. It was so easy for us that night, but now I'm back to calculating my every word. The way I used to do before that night.
It's now the 7th night - the whole week. I thought we would've teased each other mercilessly by now, I thought you would've learned to make time to see my messages. I thought I would be smiling like crazy every time my phone pings. But that's the thing, I only thought. I forced myself to think about what to type, and you chose to ignore me. I'm now back to being a zombie - frowning every time my phone pings, knowing it's not you. Knowing it might never be you anymore.
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