11 11 2016

i was insecure today, and it's okay.
doubt was crossing and turning and churning and spewing
and i started to analyze again

back at it again with analyzing
the process of playing back every moment every sentence every word
and seeing flaws in perfection, looking for evidence in crime scenes of my head

i was self conscious today, and it's okay.
she's so different than me, my head said
she's your polar opposite, my analysis shows

she's so pretty,
she's slimmer
his hands would fit in hers because her fingers aren't fat
his arms would encircle her waist perfectly because hers is smaller than mine
they spent years together getting to know each other each crevices each hollows each valleys
they were 'forever and ever' every night spilling their deepest darkest secret
and on and on and on and on and on
and i wonder how many 'and on' i can add before it gets too old.

but now i wonder
what makes him crave me
what makes me crave him
what exactly is appealing about me, when i can't even see it myself

perks of being my mate - according to myself over a year ago

I know what it feels like to be ignored and not noticed, so I would make it damn sure you never have to go through what I went through.
I will hug you as hard as I can when you're sad.
You can always reach me (as long as I'm not painting my nails lol)
I will try to cheer you up whenever you're down.
I wouldn't try to cage you, because I know people need their freedom
But I wouldn't let you fly to places I know will hurt you
I will complement your weaknesses and amplify your strength, as I hope you would mine.
I will cook for you, even though my cooking ability is very limited hahahaha
I will laugh at your jokes even though they're not funny
I would stay up late even though I have math test tomorrow and I haven't studied yet when I know you need me most.
When you can't sleep, I will read you bedtime stories and sing you lullabies
I will let you sleep on my thighs or my stomach because I know it's pretty fluffy hahahahaha
I wouldn't question your past when you ask me not to, even though it would eat me alive
I would apologize at my mistakes and forgive you for yours.
and lastly, I will wait for you, but please don't let me jump when you wouldn't want to catch me when I fall.

9 11 2016

I'm not ready.

I always thought it would be an easy yes - a sure answer I'll pronounce in a heartbeat

I always thought I wouldn't doubt it anymore

I'm not ready.

Call me impatient - but I can't think straight and I don't want to wait 2 more weeks

Call me an addict - but you're my personal brand of heroin, and I don't want to stop inhaling you in

I'm not ready.

I heard it all from faceless voices

How it hurts it's amazing it's nice it's the best

How it was fun it's profound until they broke apart

I'm not ready.

I can't face the fact that there will always be a chance i'll face the same situation

I can't wait to get rid of this, this harness of innocence

I'm too ready.

I spent each waking day reading and watching and listening and analyzing

I spent each breath researching and looking up things and finding 

I'm too ready

In my head, different scenarios run around resulting in 1-2 possible outcomes

In my absence of busyness, the impossible becomes daydreams

I'm too ready

I speak and compose sentences and write poems and write comebacks

All leading towards the same unconscious goal - to sound not as inexperienced as i actually am

I'm not ready

To live life with no regrets

Not when i know the possibility is endless

Now until i know the possibility is endless - but limited to love.

4 11 2016

i fall too hard
too deep
too quick
and that's my weakness

you play it by ear
by letting it flow
by letting it go slow
and that's your power

you told me i'm a dominant
but whenever you're around
next to me
or in my head
or in my thoughts
i turn submissive

you told me you want to be 'my submissive guy'
but reality proves otherwise
i unknowingly give you the power
the power to control my mood even though you're far away
the power to make me smile whenever i see you reply; which comes in 5-6 hours interval
the power to turn me miserable whenever i see you're online; but don't reply

is it wrong to want to make you talk
is it wrong to want to know you better
is it wrong to try to understand what makes you live
because if it is
i'll stop

see, this is how fucked up i am
i hate not being able to do anything
i hate being powerless
i hate not being in control
and you're my catalyst.

3 11 2016

I keep thinking, what would happen if I said something different then?

What would happen if I didn't say that I need more than good luck?

Would you still flirt with me if I hadn't asked why you weren't there that night?

Would you still ask me out if I didn't say that I need you?

I should be elated
I should be excited
- which I am, don't get me wrong.

I just keep wondering what would happen if it didn't go like this
I just keep thinking about your motive.
Let's find out.

31 10 2016

i'm supposed to be moving on but i failed today.

i thought about you when i was forgetting everything else
i whispered your name when i was in throes of fantasies
i ran through so many scenarios of us, kissing, whispering, making innuendos and laughing at how silly it was, yet marveling at how we're craving each other.
none of it explains how i'm supposed to win you back

it could be a phone call - a fake drunk dial - except i don't drink myself drunk
it could be a staged accidental meeting - except i don't know when or where you'll be.

i theorized everything
how you haven't moved on
how i offended you when i said you're too busy
how you only needed a one night stand and once you realized i'm a virgin then you backed off
how you realized i'm not what you like
how you realized that i'm just a sad fat girl who has no experience or the skill to carry a conversation for more than an hour; or how selfish i am.

i learned to not regret; to not wishing i could turn back time.
today i failed. i wished i was back to that sunday
i wished i was back in the room with you, where i could've at least try to converse with you.
i wished i was back to that night, where i could've crashed in your room and pretend to be drunk that night.

i kept imagining how i'm supposed to collect what you said you'd do - to volunteer.
and i just checked the evidence - to make sure i'm using the right word for the sentence above
and i smiled
and i hate that i smiled
because i realized that i smiled
and i hate knowing that that would probably never happen again.

see the use of probably? i've not moved on. i still wish on a 'probably'. i still wish you're thinking about me the way i'm neurotic thinking about you.

but wishing is not moving on. and that's why i failed today.

and that's why i needed to see if tomorrow - or next month - i'll feel differently than i do now.

19 10 2016

It was the 4th or 5th night - I can't bring myself to remember. Nor can I find the courage to open the conversations again, knowing those numbers would be there to haunt me. Knowing I was being ignored.

It was the 4th or 5th night - when I started feeling miserable. I thought life was supposed to be sunshine and daisies the moment you clicked with somebody else. Or maybe it's just a placebo?

It was the 4th or 5th night - finally realizing how unstable I am. How my mood swings whichever direction he pulls me into. A word and I'm flying through the roof, silence and I'm back again with my old friend.

It was the 4th or 5th night - I lose track of time. At times I wish he would say goodbye, then at least I know it's over. But he didn't. And I'm grateful for that, since I would probably be back into another round of depression.

It was the 4th or 5th night - I wish he'd explain. Or at least let me ask. It was so easy for us that night, but now I'm back to calculating my every word. The way I used to do before that night.

It's now the 7th night - the whole week. I thought we would've teased each other mercilessly by now, I thought you would've learned to make time to see my messages. I thought I would be smiling like crazy every time my phone pings. But that's the thing, I only thought. I forced myself to think about what to type, and you chose to ignore me. I'm now back to being a zombie - frowning every time my phone pings, knowing it's not you. Knowing it might never be you anymore.

23 08 2016

Weird how your life turns on its axis

It turns around the moment i signed a piece of paper

I didn't know the consequences, I didn't even think about what it means

All I knew was I'm doing this to get my dad off my back

To let myself free to do what I love

To do what I do greatly

Where people are in awe of what I do

Where people wish they're like me, chasing her dreams since she was young. Even if it meant giving my life away the moment I'm old enough. It's funny how it feels a lot like a fairytale - like Cinderella with her 12 o'clock chime, Aurora and her spindle, Snow White and her poison apple. Everything seems fine until the time's up. Until the moment's over.

13 08 2016

am i too intense?

how would you describe yourself? everyone would insert 'nice' somewhere along the sentence because thats what we're supposed to be. we're supposed to be nice and compliant and easily nodding.

i think im too intense - i fall too fast - but its not falling, its not crushing, its not loving, its pining.

pining for people i can never have is all i can do.

and now i dont even know if i actually pine for people im supposed to.

and it scares me because will my family even accept me if i am?

and it terrifies me because i know deep down that im not even going to be able to tell for myself for i live in a cage, in a prison, with golden bars and diamond encrusted shackles. in the middle of nowhere.

i dont think i can come out
 i dont think i can change
  i dont think i can try for myself
   i dont think i will ever have the chance to
    i dont think i will be happy
and thats why i read, i suppose

because focusing on my own problem would be too much of an ache - heartache headache stomachache everywhereache - and its easier to lose yourself trying to fix someone else or at least reading about how they fix it.

13 08 2016

Dear,

It's been a long time. I've neglected and postponed and forgot about everything i promised I would write. I told myself to not go there, anytime I feel like the word vomit would come out of my mouth,

Don't

Go

There.

I promised myself to not write or think about anything bad when I'm on vacation. It was time for happy thoughts, with sun and sand and coconut water and fishes and boat rides and happiness. But no. of course something has to happen.

I dont think im going to forget about this in some time. i dont think its going to change anytime soon.

I was being brave, being courageous and confident and loving and happy and then she screamed for me to

cover
it
up.

nobody wants to see your fat hands with the excessively big arm and your folds and your fat belly and your big thighs and your stretch marks

even though im proud of my body

ive been through so many words so many insults so many shame so many stares and chiding and thinly veiled insults and crass words in my face and behind me and in my head its all saying the same thing


your body is not worth looking at, how could anyone love it? and if i dont have my body i have nothing else. i dont have my nail art skills i dont have my compassion i dont have any knowledge or anything worth except my body because how can someone love me if they dont love my body

i see girls and boys and kids and old people on instagram being confident brave FABULOUS. nobody ever says that about me except when i pose and tuck in and push in and press that screen drag it slowly so no one would notice the difference with my actual body because god forbids my tummy have rolls and my arms look like a bodyguards and my shoulder look like a swimmers in my social media.

and the worst part is, theyre the ones who bring me into this world. theyre the ones who are supposed to love me for who i am for me for myself for my body for my brain for my skills for my love for the things i do and the things i dont

or perhaps i should lower my standards. even my parents keep telling me to change to evolve to be something else. and today i noticed it. i change the way i talk the way i style my hair the way i talk, i dont remember talking like myself because i have to hide and cower and run away, but i cant run.

my dad dont even take the time in his day to ask me how im doing how my college is doing how my nail art is doing am i even good enough in my nail art am i earning the right amount of money am i overcharging or undercharging how about my makeup skill do i want to be a makeup artist a professional nail artist a blogger a vlogger a businesswoman. nobody asks so i guess thats why i dont think i will ever be enough to be anything worth someone's side glance.

but for now i have to focus on how to get these eyes to depuff asap.